So I'm sure both of you are wondering, "Is she still on the diet she was yapping about a few months ago?" Yes. Yes, I am. I have lost 56 pounds. I have lost 14% of my total body mass. It's been really hard. I went through a few weeks where I was a basket case. Literally I was all weepy and depressed and sad. I was making weird decisions and sleeping all the time and felt like a failure. It's been suggested that as I achieve weight loss markers I need to define what I was doing the last time I was at this weight.
The last time I was at that weight my father was actively dying. My stepson was lying, stealing, using drugs and getting arrested. I got a phone call from my ex at 2am saying Paul, his 13 year-old son, had stolen the car. So, yeah, I was a bit stressed. "Sorry Dear, my dad's dying and there's nothing I can do." was on the list of the most difficult things I've ever had to say. I had to accept defeat from the actions of a 13 year-old, leave my codependency with my ex behind to let him handle it and spend the next day reading The Kite Runner to my father while he died in hospice care.
So yeah, that was an odd weight. I feel like I'm shedding pieces of myself. Everyone is like, "You're melting away." I suppose literally, yes, I'm burning fat cells. Apparently my heart is in good shape. My brain chemistry is off. My psychiatrist said that's normal though. He suggested I should have seen him sooner because some crazy meds are prescribed based on weight. He's right. I know he's right. You should check out this website if you take any. It's written in English for people who don't have a bachelor's degree in biochemistry. You still have to be sort of smart but a high school diploma and a little bit of curiosity will be plenty. Crazy meds
I think I'm through the worst of it. Well there's that and I started taking a new crazy med. It's taken it's sweet-ass time working but it's working.
My friend asked me today, "What were you doing the last time you were at this weight?" I don't remember. I have spent so many years avoiding my weight I don't know what I was doing. I suppose the fact I was avoiding my weight is a sign of the bigger problems. I'm not sure what the tipping point was.
I suppose because I finished the first phase and I am still in it I'm a bit discouraged but I'm still losing weight at a rate requiring additional medical maintenance bla bla bla... anyway 56 pounds is HUGE. Regardless of all the drama associated with the process I'm really pleased with myself.
Next time: My ex. Prepare to be amazed by how crazy someone can be.
No comments:
Post a Comment