Nordstrom Rack

So I have to go to a funeral tomorrow and I have NO appropriate shoes.  I have Sketcher's shape-ups, Clark's casual and trainers.  I needed a pair of flats.  My criteria was:

• Less than $50
• Black or Nude (or red if in patent leather)
• Size 11
• No where near a Chipotle 

I did find a lovely pair of black flats.

While there I found these lovelies:

Who would buy magenta patent leather wedges with that pattern on the wedge?

I asked the clerk, "Who wears size 13, 7-inch platform heels."  He said, "I think you know who wears 7-inch heels."

Just what everyone needs.  A pair of yellow, patent leather espadrilles.

Metallic snake skin 6 inch heels?

Look at that heel!  How could anyone walk in those without looking like an Orthopedist's next car payment?

There were three pairs of these, all in large sizes.  It's like they failed the tranny field trip.

3 more pounds

After the first two weeks, this week was a bit underwhelming but I'm making progress.  I'm staying the course.  I picked up dinner for my fella last night and damn it if I didn't want a tater tot so bad but I've discovered that even the most minor infractions are brutal simply because they permit me to fail.  My mind has very self-defeating properties. If I permit myself to fail small I am filled with feelings of, "Well you've already failed, ya big fat failure.  Go for the double cheeseburger with double bacon deep fried in lard.  If you're going to fail, fail big.  You'll hate yourself just as much for the deep fried lard balls as you will for the carrots."
I've always used the excuse that losing weight was a lifetime decision.  I'm planning now by seeking out reasonably priced low-calorie alternatives.  I have to learn how to function in the world as an ex-fat person as I did as an ex-smoker.  I still encounter cigarettes.  I still see people smoking in their cars and really want one, but all it will take is one.  I know my limits and I'm okay with limits as long as they are well-defined.
I feel better about myself already.  I'm excited by the process as much as I am by the result.  It won't be easy but my heart will be better for it in more ways than one.

7 more pounds.

Uh... what? 7 pounds? Really? Yeah. I'll keep up the good work. I know I wont do that every week, but even if I meet their expected average I'm doing well at this rate. (I'm above average.)  YAY!
I'm totally psyched now. I can't wait to see my friend this weekend who I haven't seen for months. He will probably see it better than folks I work and live with.

Happy Valentines Day!

Day 10

What a week!  I fell of the wagon a bit today, but not much.  I decided I could have a nonfat skinny vanilla latte and regretted it.  I still like to think of this as quitting smoking.  I went to a restaurant and they heated my entree and everyone looked at me funny but I don't care.  It's not about them.

I discovered a great new band.  They are the love children of the Indigo Girls and Johnny Cash.

http://thisisfirstaidkit.com/

Their song Lion's Roar is my favorite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cl5FdvRR4pQ

They make me howl at the top of my lungs.  I love their lyrics, their sound and their potential.  The oldest sister is 21 and the younger is 18?  They've got a long way to go.  I was going to compare them to Lana Del Rey, another recent discovery.  Then I saw her hit, Born to Die, had 21 million hits on YouTube.  First Aid Kit has Scandinavian Spirit and talent and Lana Del Rey is a rich girl from The Hamptons.  (per wikipedia.)  This is a hobby for her.

I like to think I've been on a Swedish kick lately.  (More than shopping at Ikea.)  I found out that Finland, Norway, Denmark and Sweden all have the highest standard of living, but work the least.  Europe doesn't have it all figured out, but they've got wisdom on their side.  The Scandinavians all have successful socialist economies (on the surface.)  Their entertainment industry is blooming and I like everything I've seen.  Their horror movies are awful, but I'm not a fan of the genre.

I watched the Wallander series with Kenneth Branaugh on BBC and was turned on to the books.  I found out there was a series in Sweden and while the quality of the BBC series was superior, the Swedish series was more gripping.  It was more what I thought of the characters.  If I'm ever asked to choose between independent or high-end, I will choose indie every single time.

5.4 pounds down, only a lot more to go!

I tried the Chicken Parmesan yesterday and it wasn't bad.  I'm eating the Pasta Fagioli today and it too, isn't bad.

I lost 5 pounds in 6 days. I don't think I've ever lost 5 pounds in 6 days.  I have so much weight to lose that it simply reminds me this is a marathon, not a sprint.  I don't think I'll ever be able to resume my old ways.

Again, it's like quitting smoking.  I need firm boundaries.  Today, I wanted a cigarette.   I didn't get one.  In 5 days it will be 5 years since I quit smoking.  In 5 years I want to say it's been 5 years since I committed to live a healthier life.

In 5 years, I hope they still sell the chocolate peanut butter bars.  Those are my favorites.

Here's to another successful week.

The new blender sucks.

I had high hopes for this badboy. My friend suggested that I return it with the remnants of the shake I made to prove that it sucks. I think the picture will suffice.

HMR Entrees

So I've decided to review my food from HMR.  I am trying a variety of additions to my meals to improve the experience. So far I love:

2 HMR chocolate shakes + 2 tbsp of unsweetened cocoa + 1 tbsp of PB2 and the ice/water mix recommended on the bag = magic.

I tried the Beef Stroganoff and it tasted like sadness.  I tried the turkey chili and while it could have used some crackers it wasn't bad.  It wasn't good either... I'll put it on the list of tolerable foods.  I told my counselor I was afraid they'd taste like nutrisystem and she assured me they taste so much better.  Well, the bar is not set very high.

I still like the shakes better.  The chocolate peanut butter bar and the honey graham bars are really good.  I mean they are "like old times" good.  If I need to go on a bender I've got a few of those in mind.

Yesterday I had a shake and it was with a shaker bottle that has the whisk in it.  I made it with water I'd mixed for metabolic green tea mango crystal light and added a tbsp of cocoa to the mix.  It was a bit chunky at times but wasn't that bad.  My new blender should be here soon.  I'll keep it up here for the lunch shakes.

You know when I was at one of my lowest points I was chatting on line all the time.  I would stay up until all hours of the night bearing my soul to strangers.  I remember one morning I stopped at Einstein's and got a few bagels.  I went to bed almost immediately after I got home and would roll over, take a bite out of my bagel and go back to sleep.  Then, that night I would chat all night while laying in bed, possibly eating at the same time.

I hope those days are over.  There has to be a better way to satisfy yourself emotionally than IMVU and asiago cheese bagels from Einstein's.

Day 5

Here is the link to the program I'm using.  http://www.hmrdiet.com

My counselor told me I should eat more.  She recommended the HMR entrees.  She assures me they taste better than Nutrisystem.

The entrees are overly preserved in my opinion.  No refrigeration required, but she (the counselor) suggested I try them.  It reminds me of that stew you can buy in the canned meat aisle at the grocery store.  I ate a lot of it in college because I was poor and my dorm had no refrigerator.  These entrees cost $3.50 a piece and taste like that $.95 no-refrigeration-needed stew.

I've gotten the shakes to be really tasty.  Unsweetened cocoa powder or a teaspoon of butterscotch pudding totally make the difference between slow enjoyment and Mexican back-alley gastric bypass. 

I really like the bars.  I limit myself to 2 bars per day because I know myself well.  I could lock myself up in a conference room with a case of the honey graham bars and go on a bender that would result in a rough night.

4 days

Look, it's been 4 days and I made it. There have been points when I wanted to scream, but I did it.

Weight loss begins

So my doctor told me I need to lose weight.  I mean really, I need to lose weight.  It took me 2 months to get my body into a program through my clinic.  It is meal replacement and it tastes a lot like paste, but flavor additives make a HUGE difference.

I have some huge anxiety issues but the program comes with weekly doctor's appointments and weekly counseling classes.  It's like food rehab.  My boyfriend thinks it's a gimmick and I think gimmicks don't include weekly visits with endocrinologists. I think he understands I need support and criticism will place limits on his happiness.

I have always had issues with food.  And who hasn't? Really?  I mean it's our fuel.  Nursing develops hormones in mom and baby alike that bind us to one another.  We are brought into this world demonstrating food means love.

It's in our faces.  It's what we do every day.  We are bombarded with super mega gynormous taco pack with a 60 oz soda for $5.  And I will be the first to confess the switch to diet soda only justified a second taco.

I've decided that I work really well with boundaries.  I have little goals set.  I want to fit in a certain, realistic dress.  I want to be able to move through my space without sweating or getting winded.  I don't want to be afraid to see my doctor.  I want to die with all my fingers and toes attached.

I told my boyfriend, "It isn't about body image.  Lexapro takes care of that.  It's about health and comfort.  I am too big for the space I want to occupy."

So, here I go.  I'm stopping at World Market to get some sugar free flavored syrups for the shakes and maybe get some unsweetened cocoa powder while I'm there.  If you're going to do it, do it right.

I'll post the before and after pics when I'm satisfied with the after image.