Old Friends and New

I had these friends several years ago. We were a group of five. We all worked together. Then I got promoted and my role in the group ended.

I know why. I went from being their equal to being their boss. They were all hopeful I would improve the department. There were things they didn't know though. There were things I didn't know.

The group rejected me. OH BOY did that hurt. I lost all these friends over the course of a few weeks. Two of them retired and one of them left the department. The one who remained was difficult.

A young lady we all worked with died last week. She was sick the entire time I knew her. We worked together for seven years. We weren't friends but we got along well enough. I really wanted to go to her funeral because we did have a relationship. We were respectful of one another.

I knew all or part of this group would be there and I was filled with anxiety. My friend told me we were going. She would hold my hand if necessary but we were going. She jokes, "Melissa, I love you so much I'd let you wear my shoes." We're close. We've walked side by side for a long time.

Only one of them was there. He had retired and when his wife left the department he sent me a message on Facebook to let me know how disappointed he was in me. I was going through a really troubling time and I really needed my friends to support me. I had already been rejected by them and then he threw that on it. I was furious.

I deleted their phone numbers. I blocked them on Facebook. I carried on with my job. I carried on with my life.

I saw one of the women in the group about a year ago when our former boss retired. I was upset about seeing her for days. When all this went down, she rejected me the coldest way by telling me, "I understand that we have to talk at work but I don't want to talk to you in public."

At the funeral, I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want him to be there. My brain was being flooded with anxiety. But I handled it. I went through the mass and did all the things to be respectful of my former coworker.

We were at the back of the church. The way the funeral happened we were going to be the last to be let out so I just waited while they all walked past me. Several of my former coworkers were walking past and they hugged me. He was in line behind them and he hugged me too. I didn't know what else to do other than hug him back. We didn't say anything. He kept moving.

At first I was a little aggravated. Then later last night I was thinking about it and I kind of went back through the things I knew about his personality. He was generally calm and friendly and peaceful. He thought I was too high strung and would tell me things like I needed to go watch a tree grow. I'd just roll my eyes and laugh it off.

Suddenly I realized what he was saying by hugging me... "Let it go."

Okay maybe he was just following the trend of the people that preceded him, but that's what I felt. It's time to let it go. I forgive him. I forgive them. That was years ago. I'm happy now. It's like the taint of that pain was creating this huge burden of anxiety that I was forced to carry. They don't care. I have only been hurting myself.

Today I have friends I love. All my friends are different and wonderful. Some I work with. Some I work near and others I see when I can. I have friends who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. They're the ones I want to keep near me. I've surrounded myself with people who lift me up and guide me to make myself a better person. I can only hope I do the same for them.

I haven't cleared myself of all my pain or angst but as time goes on I feel pieces of my history start to heal. This was a big one.

Los Angeles

We went to LA last week and had a pretty good time hanging out with my brother and his partner.

It was mostly good.

I've never been close to my brother. He's 21 years older than me and had a life when I was born. He continued his life without me and finally said, after 39 years, that I should come and visit him. I was really nervous. I considered canceling the trip. I didn't know what to expect but I knew I had something to gain. What if I walked away with a brother out of this? I know he's always been my brother but what if?... What if I could gain that feeling of family?

It all started at the airport. He was listening to Frank Sinatra and Charles said, "I don't really like jazz, but I do like this." I think my brother heard, "I love jazz." That's what we listened to the entire time we were in the car. We were in the car a lot. I was able to tune it out. Charles didn't want to say anything because he was being polite. Perhaps I should have asked if we could listen to something else, but I didn't.

On the way home we nearly missed our exit so my brother cut across two lanes of traffic without signaling and nearly hit the barricade. That's pretty much how he drives all the time. He drove us around a lot. There were rapid un-signaled lane changes, a lot of fidgeting with the GPS, surprise U-turns and texting while driving. Oh yeah... there was jazz too.

Charles was ready to jump out of the car at highway speed by the time we got to the airport for our return trip. Charles said to my mother, "There we were about to die and the last thing I was going to hear was jazz. I was in the back seat of the car listening to the soundtrack of my death. I need to go out on some rock and roll."

We survived.

I told his partner that I preferred it when he drove because, "He makes me flinch. When a passenger flinches while I'm driving I want to punch them in the face so I prefer to sit in the back seat." That was a diplomatic way of saying I was terrified for my life and the life of my husband.

When he asked if there was anything we wanted to do, we said we wanted to go on a tour of the city, which was scheduled for the following day. I said I would like to go to the Getty museum. He told me that LACMA was better but sure we could go to the Getty.

The Getty is amazing. It's a beautiful building on a beautiful hillside overlooking LA. It was really incredible. I loved everything about it. So that apparently meant we wanted to go to all the other museums in LA. He was right. LACMA was a better museum but by the end we were so done with museums. We went to two more the next day. We went to a total of five. The fifth one was a demand that I made. And oh boy was he a grouch about it but he drove me to the building and waited while I went to the Hello Kitty exhibit at the Japanese American Museum of Art.

I told him since he didn't want to be there I'd pay for his admission. Admission was $20 and he said, "I don't want you to spend $20 on me for this crap." He and his friend waited for us outside.

Look, before you judge me, when I was a little girl I loved Hello Kitty. She's 40 and I'm 39. She was a fixture of my childhood. OF COURSE I WOULD WANT TO GO. I figured if I'm going to walk through the Museum of Contemporary Art, where a drain, installed in the wall is considered art, then I'm going to the Hello Kitty exhibit. And I went. I made a quick pass through it because Charles and I were the only adults who didn't have children. I saw some cool things. Charles bought me a little bag with a picture of Hello Kitty on it and we went to the airport. My trip was complete.

My brother was a very gracious host. His dogs were hilarious. His partner was kind to us. They took us out, showed us their version of a good time and we enjoyed ourselves.  He was also a little moody and awkward at times. But then again no one is perfect.

One thing I learned is our ideas of culture are vastly different. They like Broadway musicals and museums. They like architecture and appreciate nice houses. They like fancy restaurants and mainstream culture. That's great. We enjoyed all those things.

We like street art and night clubs with $5 cover to see three really obscure bands that no one will ever hear of. I spent all my cash one night on three cds from a band that amazed me. Not all of it is good but that's what we like. It's fun to talk to the artists after they've performed while they sell their merchandise. I love to be able to tell them that I love their music and I have their albums. I love having these little secrets on my iPod that no one may hear. I'll expose my friends if I can, but I don't want to make copies of the CDs when the artists deserve that money too.

We told them this is what we do and they took us to see Pippin. Pippin was amazing. The plot was lacking but it was visually spectacular. Getting to talk to Sarah Jaffe after one of her shows meant more to me though.

All in all it was a pretty good trip. I think it ended on a good note with my brother. I think he was ready to get rid of us. But we were ready to go home so that's only fair.

I didn't realize how bad the jazz experience was for Charles. By the time we were at the airport he was a total grouch. He's only acted that way once before and it was because his cell phone wasn't working during a medical crisis with his mother. I thought he was going to take a hammer to it. I think if he had a hammer he would have taken it to my brother's stereo.

Luckily for all of us we survived with only mild stress. We got along with each other the entire time. While I'm pretty sure my brother isn't interested in my day-to-day activities, we did create a decent foundation to develop a relationship going forward. That's what I wanted and I'm happy to say I got it..

Interstellar

It only got 74% of critics approval on Rotten Tomatoes. Some of their reviews were pretty harsh. The only question I have is: DID WE SEE THE SAME MOVIE?! It was AWESOME. It was little-kid awesome! Remember how you felt when you saw Star Wars? It made me feel the same way as a I did when I was a little girl and we defeated the death star.

We saw it on Friday night. It was so good that we saw it again on Saturday. I paid for us to see the IMAX each time. It was worth the cost of admission both times. It was worth the $20 snacks. It was worth the three hours and near-bursting bladder.

I told the guy at the taco stand this morning, "Take off work early and go see it today." He laughed me off but I was totally serious. If it hadn't been a Saturday I would have totally made arrangements with my boss to make up the work so I could see it the second time.

The science is a little loose. It requires you to let go and let your imagination believe it's true. That's where the science meets the fiction. If you can let it go and let the story happen and see it for the beautiful masterpiece it is I guarantee you'll enjoy it.

Christopher and Jonathan Nolan have incredible minds. For two people to come up with such an intense and well developed story that can be told in 3 hours makes me happy and hopeful for future movies from them. Granted there are parts that were obviously abbreviated for time. (If I list them I'll have to spoil the movie which I refuse to do.)

Go see it. Go see it twice. Let your imagination go. Get your geek on and stimulate your brain. I promise you won't regret it.