Old Friends and New

I had these friends several years ago. We were a group of five. We all worked together. Then I got promoted and my role in the group ended.

I know why. I went from being their equal to being their boss. They were all hopeful I would improve the department. There were things they didn't know though. There were things I didn't know.

The group rejected me. OH BOY did that hurt. I lost all these friends over the course of a few weeks. Two of them retired and one of them left the department. The one who remained was difficult.

A young lady we all worked with died last week. She was sick the entire time I knew her. We worked together for seven years. We weren't friends but we got along well enough. I really wanted to go to her funeral because we did have a relationship. We were respectful of one another.

I knew all or part of this group would be there and I was filled with anxiety. My friend told me we were going. She would hold my hand if necessary but we were going. She jokes, "Melissa, I love you so much I'd let you wear my shoes." We're close. We've walked side by side for a long time.

Only one of them was there. He had retired and when his wife left the department he sent me a message on Facebook to let me know how disappointed he was in me. I was going through a really troubling time and I really needed my friends to support me. I had already been rejected by them and then he threw that on it. I was furious.

I deleted their phone numbers. I blocked them on Facebook. I carried on with my job. I carried on with my life.

I saw one of the women in the group about a year ago when our former boss retired. I was upset about seeing her for days. When all this went down, she rejected me the coldest way by telling me, "I understand that we have to talk at work but I don't want to talk to you in public."

At the funeral, I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want him to be there. My brain was being flooded with anxiety. But I handled it. I went through the mass and did all the things to be respectful of my former coworker.

We were at the back of the church. The way the funeral happened we were going to be the last to be let out so I just waited while they all walked past me. Several of my former coworkers were walking past and they hugged me. He was in line behind them and he hugged me too. I didn't know what else to do other than hug him back. We didn't say anything. He kept moving.

At first I was a little aggravated. Then later last night I was thinking about it and I kind of went back through the things I knew about his personality. He was generally calm and friendly and peaceful. He thought I was too high strung and would tell me things like I needed to go watch a tree grow. I'd just roll my eyes and laugh it off.

Suddenly I realized what he was saying by hugging me... "Let it go."

Okay maybe he was just following the trend of the people that preceded him, but that's what I felt. It's time to let it go. I forgive him. I forgive them. That was years ago. I'm happy now. It's like the taint of that pain was creating this huge burden of anxiety that I was forced to carry. They don't care. I have only been hurting myself.

Today I have friends I love. All my friends are different and wonderful. Some I work with. Some I work near and others I see when I can. I have friends who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. They're the ones I want to keep near me. I've surrounded myself with people who lift me up and guide me to make myself a better person. I can only hope I do the same for them.

I haven't cleared myself of all my pain or angst but as time goes on I feel pieces of my history start to heal. This was a big one.

Los Angeles

We went to LA last week and had a pretty good time hanging out with my brother and his partner.

It was mostly good.

I've never been close to my brother. He's 21 years older than me and had a life when I was born. He continued his life without me and finally said, after 39 years, that I should come and visit him. I was really nervous. I considered canceling the trip. I didn't know what to expect but I knew I had something to gain. What if I walked away with a brother out of this? I know he's always been my brother but what if?... What if I could gain that feeling of family?

It all started at the airport. He was listening to Frank Sinatra and Charles said, "I don't really like jazz, but I do like this." I think my brother heard, "I love jazz." That's what we listened to the entire time we were in the car. We were in the car a lot. I was able to tune it out. Charles didn't want to say anything because he was being polite. Perhaps I should have asked if we could listen to something else, but I didn't.

On the way home we nearly missed our exit so my brother cut across two lanes of traffic without signaling and nearly hit the barricade. That's pretty much how he drives all the time. He drove us around a lot. There were rapid un-signaled lane changes, a lot of fidgeting with the GPS, surprise U-turns and texting while driving. Oh yeah... there was jazz too.

Charles was ready to jump out of the car at highway speed by the time we got to the airport for our return trip. Charles said to my mother, "There we were about to die and the last thing I was going to hear was jazz. I was in the back seat of the car listening to the soundtrack of my death. I need to go out on some rock and roll."

We survived.

I told his partner that I preferred it when he drove because, "He makes me flinch. When a passenger flinches while I'm driving I want to punch them in the face so I prefer to sit in the back seat." That was a diplomatic way of saying I was terrified for my life and the life of my husband.

When he asked if there was anything we wanted to do, we said we wanted to go on a tour of the city, which was scheduled for the following day. I said I would like to go to the Getty museum. He told me that LACMA was better but sure we could go to the Getty.

The Getty is amazing. It's a beautiful building on a beautiful hillside overlooking LA. It was really incredible. I loved everything about it. So that apparently meant we wanted to go to all the other museums in LA. He was right. LACMA was a better museum but by the end we were so done with museums. We went to two more the next day. We went to a total of five. The fifth one was a demand that I made. And oh boy was he a grouch about it but he drove me to the building and waited while I went to the Hello Kitty exhibit at the Japanese American Museum of Art.

I told him since he didn't want to be there I'd pay for his admission. Admission was $20 and he said, "I don't want you to spend $20 on me for this crap." He and his friend waited for us outside.

Look, before you judge me, when I was a little girl I loved Hello Kitty. She's 40 and I'm 39. She was a fixture of my childhood. OF COURSE I WOULD WANT TO GO. I figured if I'm going to walk through the Museum of Contemporary Art, where a drain, installed in the wall is considered art, then I'm going to the Hello Kitty exhibit. And I went. I made a quick pass through it because Charles and I were the only adults who didn't have children. I saw some cool things. Charles bought me a little bag with a picture of Hello Kitty on it and we went to the airport. My trip was complete.

My brother was a very gracious host. His dogs were hilarious. His partner was kind to us. They took us out, showed us their version of a good time and we enjoyed ourselves.  He was also a little moody and awkward at times. But then again no one is perfect.

One thing I learned is our ideas of culture are vastly different. They like Broadway musicals and museums. They like architecture and appreciate nice houses. They like fancy restaurants and mainstream culture. That's great. We enjoyed all those things.

We like street art and night clubs with $5 cover to see three really obscure bands that no one will ever hear of. I spent all my cash one night on three cds from a band that amazed me. Not all of it is good but that's what we like. It's fun to talk to the artists after they've performed while they sell their merchandise. I love to be able to tell them that I love their music and I have their albums. I love having these little secrets on my iPod that no one may hear. I'll expose my friends if I can, but I don't want to make copies of the CDs when the artists deserve that money too.

We told them this is what we do and they took us to see Pippin. Pippin was amazing. The plot was lacking but it was visually spectacular. Getting to talk to Sarah Jaffe after one of her shows meant more to me though.

All in all it was a pretty good trip. I think it ended on a good note with my brother. I think he was ready to get rid of us. But we were ready to go home so that's only fair.

I didn't realize how bad the jazz experience was for Charles. By the time we were at the airport he was a total grouch. He's only acted that way once before and it was because his cell phone wasn't working during a medical crisis with his mother. I thought he was going to take a hammer to it. I think if he had a hammer he would have taken it to my brother's stereo.

Luckily for all of us we survived with only mild stress. We got along with each other the entire time. While I'm pretty sure my brother isn't interested in my day-to-day activities, we did create a decent foundation to develop a relationship going forward. That's what I wanted and I'm happy to say I got it..

Interstellar

It only got 74% of critics approval on Rotten Tomatoes. Some of their reviews were pretty harsh. The only question I have is: DID WE SEE THE SAME MOVIE?! It was AWESOME. It was little-kid awesome! Remember how you felt when you saw Star Wars? It made me feel the same way as a I did when I was a little girl and we defeated the death star.

We saw it on Friday night. It was so good that we saw it again on Saturday. I paid for us to see the IMAX each time. It was worth the cost of admission both times. It was worth the $20 snacks. It was worth the three hours and near-bursting bladder.

I told the guy at the taco stand this morning, "Take off work early and go see it today." He laughed me off but I was totally serious. If it hadn't been a Saturday I would have totally made arrangements with my boss to make up the work so I could see it the second time.

The science is a little loose. It requires you to let go and let your imagination believe it's true. That's where the science meets the fiction. If you can let it go and let the story happen and see it for the beautiful masterpiece it is I guarantee you'll enjoy it.

Christopher and Jonathan Nolan have incredible minds. For two people to come up with such an intense and well developed story that can be told in 3 hours makes me happy and hopeful for future movies from them. Granted there are parts that were obviously abbreviated for time. (If I list them I'll have to spoil the movie which I refuse to do.)

Go see it. Go see it twice. Let your imagination go. Get your geek on and stimulate your brain. I promise you won't regret it.

...To the Movies

I've seen a couple of  movies the past few weeks that deserve to be mentioned. I didn't necessarily like them all but you need to know that too.

The Man Most Wanted

This was Phillip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. It saddens me to think that such talent was wasted on drug addiction. I feel similarly about Heath Ledger and Amy Winehouse. Their talent was unmatched and they fell victim to their vices.

It's hard to make a spy movie that captivates you for 2 hours. There simply isn't much action when much of the activity is sitting and waiting for someone to do something. This movie had a compelling plot but I was bored. The ending tied everything together nicely so I'd give it 3 out of 5 stars. I would recommend that you wait until it comes out on Netflix or DVD.

Boyhood

This movie was excellent. Richard Linklater family as they grow for 12 years. It centers around a boy and his experiences with his family. His mother is played by Patricia Arquette and his father is played by Ethan Hawke. Both are brilliant. Richard Linklater demonstrated how talented he is as a director and it pleased me to watch the movie.

My only complaint is that it was a 3 hour movie that seemed to go on forever. Don't order a large soda. You will regret it. My husband has stated I am part camel so I was able to go for the whole three hours but he barely made it.

Because the end took so long to come I will only give it 4 out of 5 stars. It was brilliant and if you have some patience and a relatively strong bladder it's worth the price of admission.

Nymph()maniac 

The only reason I watched this movie is because it is directed by Lars Von Trier. He also directed Melancholia which was incredible.

It didn't get very good reviews. I don't think the reviewers were prepared for the subject.

Charlotte Gainsbourg plays the adult version of the woman, "Joe", while Stacy Martin plays the younger version of the woman. Charlotte Gainsbourg is brilliant as the adult version of Joe. Stacy Martin who carries the movie is a proficient actress. My favorite character was played by Uma Thurman. She played the wife of a man who left to be with Joe. Joe was trying to get rid of him when she said she loved him and he returned with a suitcase in hand. The scene has humor and is also very dramatic. I think that scene alone could stand to make the movie.

I saw there is a second movie and I hesitate to watch it because the first covered all I needed to see about the subject. Don't watch this movie if you are shocked or bothered by gratuitous sex. It is filled with it. It is the meaningless sex of an addict.

I would give this movie 4 out of 5 stars because it captivated me for the entire film. Some say it's a failed attempt to demonstrate female empowerment. I believe it is about addiction. Addiction has always fascinated me so I was not bothered by the subject matter. I was able to see how she was trying to fill a vacancy in her spirit with sex. I have witnessed friends do it with drugs and alcohol. Some come out of it and some fall victim. I don't think the other reviewers saw it that way.

5 month check up

We've been married for 5 months now and the honeymoon is still going strong. We're still happy every day and madly in love. I still grin like a school girl every time he texts me or calls me. I wait for him to come home every evening. If I had a tail I'd wag it when he walks through the door.

When you get married, you marry the family. I love his family. They are all caring and loving people with good hearts. We don't agree on everything but who does? His youngest brother and I adore each other. He claims I'm everything he's ever wanted in a sister and that alone makes me happy to have joined forces with the Woods.

When he married me he moved in with me and my mother. So he has the joy and privilege to live with his mother-in-law. She too has the opposite privilege to live with her son-in-law.

After I divorced my ex-husband she told me she would no longer become involved with any of the men I claimed to be in a relationship with. When I married my ex-husband she fell in love with him too because he treated her like a mother-in-law always hopes to be treated but rarely is. She told him he was like the son she'd never had. He cried because he never felt that his mother loved him as much as mine did. 

She tried to maintain a relationship with him after we divorced. In the end though he fell apart. He hurt her. He broke her heart and after that she swore off on any future partner arrangement I might have.

Slowly Charles is cracking through that wall she built. He's taking baby steps. He gives her space and lets her come to him, kind of like a skittish cat. I don't know if he sees it this way but that's what I've observed. 

He checked on her one morning before leaving to ride his bike while I was committed to some task by saying, "I'm just checking to make sure you aren't dead." That cracked her up and ever since she's gradually becoming more involved with our day-to-day activities. If we're in the kitchen she'll come and talk to us. If we're a the convenience store he'll buy her a bag of Cheetos, her current guilty pleasure. They're getting a cute little relationship going.

A friend of mine was asking how the marriage was going and we told her it was going swimmingly. Then, "More importantly, how are things with your mother?" We replied with a casual shrug that things were fine. There were no issues. She was visibly shocked that a mother and son-in-law living arrangement could work.

I think the reason it works is Mom and I are both extroverts. We are both outspoken, sassy, opinionated and have very little shame. Charles is an introvert. He's just so laid back and easy to get along with. Everyone who meets him really likes him. He's kind of your "every-man". He has a few close friends and a lot of close acquaintances.

After my ex-husband I realized I needed someone who could support my need to be around people. Charles can incorporate himself into the fold very easily and he's also comfortable sitting back and watching the crowd. It's refreshing to be around someone who is so at ease with himself and his environment. What we have between us is as close to perfect as I'll ever find. I joke that I couldn't have ordered a better man out of a catalog. I'm not really joking though. He's the best man I've ever known and everyday I am happier than I was the day before that I am lucky enough to love him and be loved by him.

Psych fest

So early Wednesday morning I get up in the dark and stub my toe on my cat's scratching pad. It hurt like a mother fucker but I was on a mission so I limped back to bed and went back to sleep. I ended up working from home that day so I didn't put a lot of pressure on it. I went to work the next day and thought a lot differently.

I went to the doctor because my boss said, "Toes aren't supposed to be that color." The xrays revealed I have a broken toe. I'm in a boot until at least next Tuesday when I see the podiatrist.

My husband has been to Austin Psych Fest for at least the past 3 years. This year he is going to spend the entire weekend at the festival. I decided I wanted to go to the concert with him for a little while. I would arrive at my time and leave at my time. That way I had limited potential of turning into a whiny bitch. If I felt like it was time to go home then I'd go home and he could stay. Freedom.

It's three stages in an open field. I'm in an orthopedic boot. I'm going to that music festival. I will be strong and limit my whining. I will be smart and take a chair. I'll get to spend some quality time with my husband in his happy place. So hell yeah, I'm going to psych fest.

Oh and there are some really cool bands. Check it out:

The Horrors : Do you remember

Temples : Colours to Life

Email Signatures

12 line signatures that include graphics and inspirational messages are inappropriate for work.

• ·          Less than 8 lines. That’s being generous because an address takes 2 lines. Mine usually has 4. I think it should include your name, job title, agency and department and phone number. That’s it. That’s four lines, plus 2 for an address and 6 max, but let’s be generous for those who include their fax number or some other appropriate detritus.
• ·        The font should be consistent throughout the signature. Don’t script your name. Don’t change the colors.
• ·        Everyone knows what “Phone” and “Fax” means. We don’t need pictures.
• ·        Don’t put your email address. You sent the email, I’ve got it.
• ·        Under no circumstance should you EVER put an inspirational message in your signature. Ever. If I see much more of it I’ll include something highly antagonistic like, “Old white men don’t belong in a uterus.” Or “No one gives a shit what you think.” I’ve seen religious and political messages and both are so very inappropriate. No one at work knows how anti-religious and liberal I am. I’m scary about both.

On your personal email, do as you will. No one gives a shit.

My Dad's Vagina

When I was young, my dad bought a pastel drawing that cost several thousands of dollars. As a child I looked at it and saw a figure walking into the light. That might even be the name of the painting. It looks like a pink figure walking into a mix of pink, yellow and white tunnel of light. It's actually very pretty.

When my dad died, I was able to claim it because my half brother said it looked like a butt and if he wanted to see a butt, there were magazines that interested him more. He was really good to me but he sort of objectified women after his divorce. 

So after my dad died I went to visit my mom because I needed some TLC and she saw that picture in the back of my car and demanded that she not be forced to look at it.

Wha?

She explained that while he was paying it off in layaway he would go and "visit" it, and gaze lovingly at it. Then as he was writing the check for the final payment, she saw that it was a vagina. It was a vagina in the Georgia O'Keefe sense of artistic expression. Suddenly it went from being art to pornography in her mind and she very rapidly went from appreciation to hatred.

She confronted my dad about it and he denied that was why he wanted it. Then he said, "Oh yeah, I guess you're right." They were sleeping in separate bedrooms by that time and he was forced to put it in his room so she wouldn't be forced to look at it.

20 years later, when I got home with it I was forced to hang it in my bedroom so she would never see it.

Now, we live together and our paintings are all stacked up against the wall waiting to be hung. Charles and I were going through them and I saw it. I very quietly said, "Don't let Mom see that. We'll have to hang it in our room." He expected me to explain.

We left to go to Home Depot for picture hangers and I explained the story to him. He said agreed it looked mostly like a figure walking into the light at the end of a tunnel but he could see the vagina. So he said, "I really don't think we should be forced to hang your father's vagina on our wall because your mom has a problem with it." 

This is all I have left of my dad. Some may think it's tacky of me to make fun of him after he's dead. If you knew him you'd understand that while he would have been horrified, he would have returned the favor in his famously passive aggressive style so I figure we're good. My brother, if he was still here to criticize, would dare me to put it on Facebook.

Phone forgotten... again

A few weeks ago I forgot my phone at home. I equated it to leaving my shoes at home.

I left my phone at home today. I considered turning around to go get it but I was past the midway point in my commute. It was a tough decision. It wasn't the traffic I would face that made me stop. It was my inclination to simply lay my head back down and go to sleep until noon. That might chap my boss so I elected to go to work without it.

So... here I sit counting the minutes until I get it back.

Actually my life is a little more peaceful without it. It's odd how bound we are to our devices. I can claim I have an elderly parent who needs to reach me as my excuse. Really, I have a husband who I'm nuts about. I still get excited when I see that he's texted me.

I know we've been together long enough for that to fade. I still remember when we first started dating we'd sneak texts to each other all day. They were rarely about anything important, but my heart would jump a little when I saw his name on the notification. You'd think over a year and a half later with an engagement and marriage behind us that would go away but it hasn't. I still smile when I see it's him. It could be a grocery list, a naughty text or even a grumble about his day at work and I still smile when I see his name.

We sicken our friends. We are so crazy about each other my friends are groaning and rolling their eyes. I'm not sure about his friends but I'd bet it's similar. He went to a concert with a friend on Friday and spent the night on his friend's couch. He woke up early in the morning and told his friend's roommate that he needed to get home to see his woman. That made me smile. I love being "his woman."

So if you're reading this and you groan, I accept that I earned it. I accept that we're the sickeningly cute newlyweds. One friend said we were such newlyweds and after 20 years of marriage I'll be begging him to spend the night on his friend's couch. All I can say is at this point, I hope so, because 20 years with him sounds really nice.

One month

So we've officially been married and lived together for a month. We haven't tried to kill each other so I'd say things are going well.

We've learned a lot about each other.  For starters, I am not a morning person. To give you an example, I staggered into the bathroom one morning to take a shower and he said, "That's not your cute face." I made a motion that I perceived to be a smile and he said, "Nice try." It was more of a grimace. We haven't tried that again.

Here's what I've taken away from the last month is that he has really adapted well to being a husband, living with two feisty women, one of them being his mother-in-law. He has been polite, friendly and considerate. He tries to accommodate both mine and my mother's needs. He is forgiving of her snack habit that usually includes eating his snacks. He is good to my cats. Most importantly, he's good to me. He makes it seem effortless and I know Mom and I are both very expressive women.

In the time we've been together I've lost my temper twice. Once was during this last month and I conceded that I was a bitch and felt guilty about it. He agreed that I was a bitch and accepted my apology. But here's the scenario:

We've already established my morning characteristics. I was in the shower doing my best to melt my grimace into at least a more malleable shape when he drops not one, but two bottles in the shower. BAM! BAM! Then came the screaming, "GETTHEFUCKOUTOFHERE!" He was trying to apologize and I repeated myself at a higher volume.

I came out of the shower and he acted like nothing had happened. I'd just cussed him out for an accident, twice. He was still trying to hug and kiss on me. I felt really horrible. Here I am, with the nicest guy in the world and I screamed at him. I felt awful.

So, what have I learned? I'm married to the nicest, kindest, most caring and loving man in the world and he's also accident prone.  I need to have enough of a grip on myself in the mornings to love and accept him as he is and enjoy what I have all day, not just after 10am.

We're Married!

We did it! We were successful with only a few minor glitches in the plan. The main one was that we had to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to perform the ceremony. We got there a little early so we would be able to get our paperwork completed. Then the questions began, "Do they know we're here? Are you sure you made reservations? Do you think they forgot about us?"

I was confident we would be done and out of there before they closed. I was a little nervous but that's to be expected. Charles sat next to me the entire time with his arm around my back and we were happy together while we waited.

The judge was hilarious. He told someone who was there before for a separate issue it was good to see him again. It took our friend a moment to realize it was a joke but that moment was pretty funny. Then he said at the beginning of the ceremony that though we weren't saying our own vows Charles would perform a song for the audience members at the end. I cringed and was asked to confirm that we did not want Charles to sing.

Then there was the party.  I was probably more nervous about the party than the wedding.  I had to run Mom home and in the process I ran inside and burst forth from the "shape wear" into something more comfortable. We had to drive in rush hour traffic across town and finally we made it where there were a few guests there waiting for us.

I erupted into my extroverted self and felt like the life of the party. I had some wine and some snacks and we got a wonderful cake from the Upper Crust bakery. Everyone seemed happy and I had to make sure they all understood fighting for a second piece, though entertaining, would not be permitted.

Finally we made it home and collapsed. I made sure my mom had a bottle of wine and two pieces of cake and Charles and I spent the rest of the weekend beautifully in love. We went for a walk in the lovely weather, went to his favorite record store for his birthday and then we went to karaoke for me where I did well on all three songs I sang.

It was a wonderful weekend where we could set ourselves free into the life we've chosen. We know it won't always be easy but we have a wonderful and healthy relationship that will last as long as our vows say it should.

Less Catastrophic

So everything is set. We're going to have a ceremony and a nice little get together with the family and a few of our closest friends. It will be really lovely.

After we'll probably go home and pass out because it's such a big day and we have a lot of preparation but that's fine. We've told everyone that Saturday is our day and they get to leave us alone no matter how far they've come to visit us.

That night though I will go to karaoke and they can come with us if they want. I find that a lot of people are resistant to karaoke so that should shoo them off.  But yes, there will be karaoke. I will sing Video Games by Lana Del Rey and maybe Read My Mind by The Killers. If his brothers show up they can watch me rock it or choke perhaps but either way I'll have fun.

I miss my friend who flaked. I am grieving her loss. She was wacky and funny and I thought she was supportive. But in reality she was unreliable and untrustworthy and now I feel like we never were friends from the beginning. I need closure but not today. I've decided to wait until after the wedding.

This weekend Charles was so sweet and kind and funny and it reminded me that he is the priority in all of this. He is my reason that I am gathering us all together to celebrate. I am his reason. This really is happening. I'm going to marry the man who showed me love can be healthy and helped me to heal from the all the rest.

I can't say no one else before him mattered because I had some relationships that really were important. I really loved some of them but the relationships became so damaged the love could no longer support them. They shaped me into who I am so I can be the woman that Charles loves today.  If it were not for them I may not have been able to appreciate Charles for the kind, funny and loving person he is.

We were at the store on Saturday and we saw this old couple holding hands and being sweet.  He told me he wants us to grow old together and become that couple. I kissed him and turned around and this woman was standing there smiling at us. I blushed and apologized and she said, "No, ya'll are cute. Carry on." Today all I can think is, yeah, we're cute and we shall carry on.