One Moment More

This is a song by one of my favorite musicians, Mindy Smith.  She is simply lovely.  She was mis-classified as as Christian singer because she wrote a song about returning to Jesus.  It's an awesome and haunting song about obsessive compulsion and fear and how Jesus brought her through a very rough time in her life.  I heard an interview where she said they didn't care so much for her when they found out she didn't really go to church.  She has sung many of my favorite songs.

I know a beautiful man who filled my life for 16 months with all the emotions of a relationship and now he's gone.  We are likely both to blame.  I am sad.  I know he is too.  There are just times when beauty comes to an end and that time came and I am sorry my dear.  It's just stupid love.

There are parts of this song that apply to you and to me.  Farewell my friend and my love. It was really real and I was happy, now I'm sad.  We are both better because of the other.  There are parts of this song that suggest there is hope but really it's more about the end and the love and the wish.  I wish you love and happiness and I will always remember you fondly.

Hold Me

Even though I know you're leaving

And show me

All the reasons you would stay

It's just enough to feel your breath on mine

To warm my soul and ease my mind

You've got to hold me and show me now

Give me

Just one part of you to cling to

And keep me

Everywhere you are

It's just enough to steal my heart and run

Then fade out with the falling sun

Oh, Please don't go

Let me have you just one moment more

Oh, all I need, All I want is just one moment more

You've got to hold me and keep me now

Tell me

How some day you'll be returning

And maybe 

Maybe I'll believe

It's just enough to see a shooting star

To know you're never really far

It's just enough to see a shooting star

to know you're never really gone

Oh, please don't go

Let me have you just one moment more

Oh, all I need, 

All I want is just one moment more

Oh, please don't go, 

Let me have you just one moment more

Oh, all I need, 

All I want is just one moment more

You've got to hold me and maybe I'll believe.

So hold me, even though I know you're leaving.

Reality Shift

My friend, who is also over weight suggested I really start to log my journey.  I suggested I was getting crazier with every pound I lost.  She probably wanted to slap me via text.  I get all emotional and then I feel like an idiot and then I question myself.  Well there's no reason to question myself.  She used the exact words I needed to hear, "You are undergoing a reality shift."

In a word, DUH!

My place in the world is changing.  The way I fit in the world is changing.  As I feel my body it literally feels like I am coming unglued in places.  I look at myself sometimes and remind myself, no one said this would be pretty.  But, it's okay.  I'm not doing this to become pretty.  Hopefully that will happen.  Health comes first and beauty, though important, is secondary.

Regardless of what the industry says, I think beauty is more of an internal function.  There are plenty of beautiful women out there who think they're ugly.  There are plenty of women who think they are so imperfect they surgically modify, starve and punish themselves daily.

There are women out there who view themselves as beautiful and on the outside they may be stunning, but they're ugly on the inside.  They're vicious, mean and sell out their children to improve themselves.  Eventually, gravity takes over and while they're busy building their lives on deceit, I support myself.  Gravity will hit me too but my friends trust and love me because I will carry them on my back, barefoot, across broken glass to the moon.

When my therapist asked me what I planned to look like when I'm "done" I hadn't even thought that part through.  I mean I have no idea what I will look like.  I may require some surgical modification in the end, but it will be reconstructive.  The work will be intense for me to create a reasonable facsimile of a normal person.

I've decided my goal is one of the images of Venus from the Renaissance or perhaps Venus De Milo.  All of the images are of a healthy, well proportioned woman.  She has ample hips and breasts smaller than mine, but we have bras, thank goodness.  She is realistic.

So, here is my goal:

Big day... again

I do my weigh-in today.  I estimate a 4 pound loss.  If I lose 4 pounds my nutritionist won't get all militant on me.  I'm rapidly becoming one of those people who holds out their old clothes and things "DAMN!"  It's a good feeling.

Monday I climbed two flights of stairs without getting winded or having a sore knee.  Okay the knee I banged up a few months ago is still in pretty bad shape, but my left knee, the uninjured one, is the one that hurts when I have to climb.

There are days I really want a deep fried double cheeseburger, but honestly, for the most part, those days are gone.  I'm surprised by how committed I've become.  I sneak in fruit from time to time, but that's because the entrees taste like cat food.

No.  I do not know what cat food tastes like, but it smells like cat food.  I told my nutritionist that they tasted like sadness and she seemed a bit offended.  I didn't push it by making the cat food reference.

Because the classes have started over, I want to tease her.  I know it's wrong because she's good at what she does but what's wrong with suggesting the class add butter or MSG to their shakes?  I am fairly certain Maribel would climb over the table and strangle me at that point.  "I bet you think your funny bitch!!!"  Who me?...


I was cleaning out my picture file and found a few more LOL gems.

The name of this one is "Bromance"

That guy has to be like 60.

Look at it for a while.  It will make your WTF senses scream.

Who hasn't had this day?

I don't even like Star Wars.  I am a Star Trek fan, unless we're talking about Twilight.  Then I'm a Star Wars fan.  Followers of George Takai will understand.

Kasey Chambers

When I was younger, in the late nineties, I heard Kasey Chambers sing "Not Pretty Enough" and fell in love.  I forgot.  This is where it all started:

I spent my entire childhood the awkward fat kid with glasses.  No one liked me.  I compensated with my personality that is remarkably demonstrative and at times demanding.  I'll also give the shirt on my back to someone who displays the need, until I feel like a doormat.  Perhaps that defines me as a socialist?  And even then I'll let it fester a bit.  I give my platelets and my time to the blood center.  I give my time to the democrats because I believe President Obama might, just might, make this world a better place, in spite of the demonstrations made by the Tea Party. He asks a lot, but in return I feel like I'm worthy of attention and favor simply because I have demonstrated a good faith attempt to make the world a better place.

My friend and I were discussing Neko Case, another favorite and I was reminded again of Kasey.  I'm not sure why.  She's got an Outlaw Country sound because she's apparently from the backwoods of Australia.  Considering I'm a Texas girl I can relate.  I may be from Dallas and living in Austin, but I've driven through vast open country.  She doesn't have Neko's sophistication, but she does have her independent spirit.  The reviews are that none of her songs are "throw aways" and none of them pander to the lowest common denominator audience.  She's in a class of other free spirits such as Ani DiFranco and Regina Spektor.

Now I've come across her again.  Her lyrics have a richness that cannot be duplicated.  It has been said she has a whiny voice and reeks of false entitlement, but I don't see it.  Then I heard Runaway Train:

I feel in her spirit the parts of my youth that I miss:

I'll drive faster, you hold tighter

I'll get wild, you get wilder

I'll make thunder, you make rain

We'll go down to the runaway train

I've felt her sadness.  I see in her pieces of me.  It's always so wonderful to find a musician who helps you find the pieces of you that you never defined but knew all along you had.

When it's quiet out here 100 miles away

you can hear the train on the line

the whistle blows just to break the silence

I wave just to break the time.

I close my eyes

I think of running water

I think of running away

But the fire's burned to ashes 

and it's darker than before

But I can see as clear as day

The older I get the more of a Humanist I become.  There is something that binds us all. She has touched the spirit that connects us.  Her voice, poetry and music found my heart and now, hopefully she's found yours as well.

Favorite LOLs

There was probably someone specific in mind when I saved this one, but it is certainly hilarious.

If my mom ever gets a bit rowdy I'll show her this one.

Yeah... he'll kill my ankle and it'll hurt but the picture will be hilarious.

I don't care if he is 117, he's Captain Kirk for cryin' out loud.

Dear Neko, if I ever dress you up like this, you have my permission to kill me and everyone else in the house in our sleep.

My earlier statement about Captain Kirk also applies to Captain Piccard

My cat kicks your dogs ass every day.

As a former fraud investigator this was especially amusing

Personal Space... get your own.

I'm surprised there isn't more blood on that costume.

Whatever that cat did next was entirely forgivable.

It's cute.  Shut up.

You's so fired!

Many hours of laughter was had with this exact photo.

It's cute, okay?  It's CUTE!

I've got the cat.  I just need the courage to get the tattoo.

I tried my first martini because of this picture.  I regretted it, but it sold me on one.

If you don't think that's funny then why do you even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Indeed!

My Skinny Jeans

The last time I went shopping for clothes I bought a pair of jeans that were a bit tight.  I've worn them a few times and the last time, about 10 days ago, I was able to wear them all day with relative ease and comfort.  Mainly they looked pretty good.

For the record, they aren't cut like "skinny jeans" they're just 3 sizes smaller than my other jeans and therefore have become my skinny jeans.

Today I took them out of the dryer and did the tight-jeans-dance.  I tugged them on and ran out the door wondering if I'd gained weight.  Of course, for the record, I've lost 7 more pounds since the last post. (YaY me!)

By the time I'd gotten to work I'd worked through the tightness of heating the fabric.  Jeans are always tight when they come out of the dryer.  I stopped in the ladies room and guess what... I have a saggy butt in my skinny jeans.

If I wasn't making an effort to lose weight I would be upset by this.  That means I'm a no-butt-having skinnier chick.

I can see the weight dropping all over.  I am pleased with the results.  My first week in the program there was a guy who said he would like to be done by, "this Friday."  He's moved on to Phase 2 which is good for him.  He lost 44 pounds and is no longer on any blood pressure medicine.

I had to deal with a huge emotional issue.  When Phase 1 was complete for the rest of the class, I was left behind.  They were saying their farewells and I was left to feel like a big fat failing failure.  Yesterday I walked into the class and Alfred was still there.  Bless his sweet little heart.  He and his wife came to the class every Wednesday night during the first Phase 1.  Bless her sweet little supportive heart.  I walked up to them and smiled and told them how happy I was to see them.  I was so glad not to be alone anymore.

So, I've lost a total of 63 pounds and I'm still losing.  I'm not perfect but if anything, this process has taught me that I don't have to be perfect.

I started seeing a counselor and she asked me if I knew who or what I wanted to look like when I'm done.  I don't know.  I don't have an image.  Numbers, though arbitrary, are finite. They define a very specific goal.

I suppose I've spent my entire life being me.  As part of "being me" I had to stop comparing myself to other women.  So in the next week I am going to come up with an image similar to what I want to look like without consideration of where my tits will likely end by the time I'm done.

I hope my mom hasn't started a pool at the democrats' office.  I can see it now, "Okay, Megan, you think they'll end 3 inches above her waist?  And Seth?  You think they'll end 3 inches above her knees?  What about you Hillary? Zak? Are you in?"

Just that this is a possibility in my Mom's personality makes me love her even more.

Looks so much like mine...

I have a black cat. She walked into this world as the underdog and is now a queen.

Bad Baby Names

Bad Baby Names

This is a link to a blogspot that I love.  Unfortunately the last entry was in 2009 so I fear ZenAngel has lost interest or gotten a job or had a baby and now has no time to carry on.  I have chosen to carry the torch.  I do not come in contact with the same number of names I used to but there are times when I think "Holy BeJeebus,  how many drugs were involved in the naming of that child?"

The best I've seen is "StopLightLove PB."

I believe in all the rules listed in ZenAngel's guide, but I must state I am hesitant to list any ethnic names.  That doesn't say I won't.  I just hesitate.  Just because it is spelled funny or has 18 syllables makes it a bad name, but there are simply times that in relation to American societal stupidity the names are just funny.

Examples include:

The guy on Glee named "Iqbal."  Come one now, that's just an unfortunate name to have in an English speaking country.

I once saw a Vietnamese guy named Phuc Nguyen. It was pronounced "Fuck When."

I will justify any entry of an ethnic name is most likely related to the English pronunciation.

That being said, my boyfriend just made me the strongest cup of coffee I've ever had and I must leave to enjoy it.  Henry, this probably counts as a warning. I promise not to River Dance in the office.

Yes, He's blond

 I found this little guy on the way to my car Saturday.  

Apparently not all squirrels are tan.  I have seen some blackish, calico ones, but they're kind of weird and disgusting.  This guy is cute.

Apparently there is a legend about them.  I looked it up and he doesn't appear to be an albino squirrel.  I think he's just blonde.  He has some pigmentation.

I found this link about albino squirrels on the UT Campus.  It's totally stupid to suggest this is true, but they are college students asked about weird squirrels, on the spot.  I know they're getting their education and likely the future of tomorrow, but some of them make me want hang my head and cry.  Ok. Not really, but you'll see.

UT Legend of the Albino Squirrel

This picture is from the following link.

Everyone has a story

Great Twitter Status

Some people deserve a high-five, in the face, with a chair.

To that I say, INDEED!  I am in all reality very, very non-violent.  But come on... you all know it.  We all know someone that could stand to have a few teeth knocked out of their head.

I'd say, "You know who you are," but the people I direct that to will never read this blog.  Well, they might, but they'll feel exempt from that statement. 

So, for the record, if we have ever had an emotional discussion that left you questioning the condition of your car after I left, you might deserve a high-five, in the face, with a chair.

If apologies have been said and hugs have been exchanged you are excluded.  I'm mainly discussing former family members and members of management that drove me to a special state of "crazy."  

Now for a dose of hilarity, what if the men in the Avengers were posed like the women?  This made me laugh.  Look at The Hulk.

56 pounds and 14% of my total body mass lost

So I'm sure both of you are wondering, "Is she still on the diet she was yapping about a few months ago?"  Yes.  Yes, I am.  I have lost 56 pounds.  I have lost 14% of my total body mass.  It's been really hard.  I went through a few weeks where I was a basket case.  Literally I was all weepy and depressed and sad.  I was making weird decisions and sleeping all the time and felt like a failure.  It's been suggested that as I achieve weight loss markers I need to define what I was doing the last time I was at this weight.

The last time I was at that weight my father was actively dying.  My stepson was lying, stealing, using drugs and getting arrested.  I got a phone call from my ex at 2am saying Paul, his 13 year-old son, had stolen the car.  So, yeah, I was a bit stressed.  "Sorry Dear, my dad's dying and there's nothing I can do."  was on the list of the most difficult things I've ever had to say.  I had to accept defeat from the actions of a 13 year-old, leave my codependency with my ex behind to let him handle it and spend the next day reading The Kite Runner to my father while he died in hospice care.

So yeah, that was an odd weight.  I feel like I'm shedding pieces of myself.  Everyone is like, "You're melting away."  I suppose literally, yes, I'm burning fat cells.  Apparently my heart is in good shape.  My brain chemistry is off.  My psychiatrist said that's normal though.  He suggested I should have seen him sooner because some crazy meds are prescribed based on weight.  He's right.  I know he's right.  You should check out this website if you take any.  It's written in English for people who don't have a bachelor's degree in biochemistry.  You still have to be sort of smart but a high school diploma and a little bit of curiosity will be plenty.  Crazy meds

I think I'm through the worst of it.  Well there's that and I started taking a new crazy med.  It's taken it's sweet-ass time working but it's working.

My friend asked me today, "What were you doing the last time you were at this weight?"  I don't remember.  I have spent so many years avoiding my weight I don't know what I was doing.  I suppose the fact I was avoiding my weight is a sign of the bigger problems.  I'm not sure what the tipping point was.

I suppose because I finished the first phase and I am still in it I'm a bit discouraged but I'm still losing weight at a rate requiring additional medical maintenance bla bla bla... anyway 56 pounds is HUGE.  Regardless of all the drama associated with the process I'm really pleased with myself.

Next time:  My ex.  Prepare to be amazed by how crazy someone can be.

When life's got ya down

If I'd been drinking when I saw this I would have spewed it straight through my nose.  That reaction automatically moves it to the top of the humor scale.