If this doesn't make you howl go back to sleep

Farewell Comrade

My friend David is retiring today and I would first like to say that he is a punk for leaving.  When he told me I was angry for about 10 minutes.  He said, "Hey, guess what..."  No preparation was had.  No conversation a month ago to say, "I'm thinking about retiring."  Just that he's retiring and there's nothing I could do change that. His wife probably thinks I'm nuts but that's fine. (I kind of am.)

So my favorite story about David involves the dog pictured above.

I'm sure anyone who has read my blog knows I love dogs.  I l.o.v.e. dogs.  So he said one day, again, out of the blue, "You wanna see Stick?" I wondered why he wanted to show me a picture of a stick but agreed because we're all kind of nuts when you really get down to it.  He whips out his phone and there's this picture of the cutest dog ever.

One day we were working together and he asked me again if he'd shown me Stick and I said he had, but he passed me the phone anyway and there she was.  So the next question was, "Why is her name Stick?"

It turns out when she was a puppy she got sick and they had to give her glucose.  They got it on her face and started to all her StickyFace which was shortened to "Stick" but occasionally "Nicole."

His wife, Rebecca, who also works in our department, ratted him out on this one.  Apparently when they first got Stick, David would refer to her as "Nicole." Only when they were out was her name Nicole.  He would almost feel ashamed of her too, which made me glower.  Rebecca told this story about when they went to Home Depot with Stick and Rebecca had to carry her because he was a tough guy in home depot.  It is very difficult to hold up those appearances when you have a Yorkie with pink bows on her head in your arms.

So, a few weeks ago we were passed work that is completely unrelated to our job.  He was at my desk showing me how to do something.  Rebecca came over raising hell.  David pulled out his phone and said, "I think we should look at Stick."  In our office, full of analysts I emitted a hearty guffaw that I'm sure woke up Karen.

I demanded that he email me a picture of Stick because he had to train me how to do his work.  I am the lucky beneficiary of Open Records requests and they're complicated.  Now, I have Stick on my desktop.  Before we did something new he would say, "Okay we should look at Stick before we start this next part."

So, David, you've taught me a lot and I've come to regard you as a friend.  I'll miss you and I'll try to do this job without you.  You certainly helped me look smarter than I am.  I wish you well in your retirement and Stick will remain on my desktop for those times when the Open Records requests pile up and I jack up the JCL so Henry has to rescue me... again.

Farewell,
Melissa

I love my boss

Henry helped me define a new form of love.  I love him so much I want to knit for him.  He is totally a "good guy."  I don't think there's a bad bone in him or I didn't until he cursed one day.  "If we have the opportunity we are getting rid of that SHIT!"  I was stunned.  He apologized and I said, "No, I'm just surprised."  Then I followed with a strongly worded email about how I'm the foul mouthed bitch in this family and I don't appreciate him stealing my thunder.  He chuckled.  If he really knew me he'd probably be shocked and pray for me but that's fine too.  He accepts I'm a bleeding heart liberal which he equates to hemorrhoids and goes about his business appreciative of the fact I am willing to learn about tax rates and he doesn't have to worry about it.

He sent me this gem:

new signature

I am so tired of people sending email from their iPhones.  At the bottom of all the emails "Sent from my iPhone." It is so pretentious.  I hope my email from my phone says nothing of the sort.  So, in the truest form of my spirit I added the signature at the bottom of my email:

I figure that's fairly accurate and because I use GMail it will attach to any email I send from my personal account regardless of the source.

I feel as if I am getting older and older every day.  I know smart asses, I am, but not just physically.  I wonder what the hell the youth of today are doing, wearing and who they're doing all this stuff with.  The guy who for all intents and purposes is my brother-in-law said that he got an iPhone 4 for his 18 year old daughter and she cracked the glass.  WHAT?! You spend how much money for her to ever-so casually break it?  I suggested he give her a brick to carry in her  back pack as punishment.  Not just a brick, a big-ass paving stone or something equally entertaining.  He told me I was crazy.

I did not have a cell phone until I was 24.  Even then it was the first generation pre-paid cellular phones because I couldn't afford a home phone.  I just used it to call in sick to work or call a cab for a ride to the clubs on the nights I called in sick to work.  If my former supervisor is reading this, I told you to suck it when I quit.  Now that I'm sober most of the time I'll happily tell you again, only this time there will be tears. Yours. You are a stupid little man who will never know the joy love because you are unworthy...

I digress.

I am not a mother so I don't understand the need for a child to have a cell phone.  It seems to me like you are at their mercy because you need them to be able to contact you and you can't take it away.  My friend broke her daughter's cell phone in a fit of rage and was forced to buy another one a few days later.  If you ever get a chance to see her tell the story it's worth it.  Then ask her about her daughter's voice mail and how she saves the recordings so she can laugh at the way she says in Minnesotan, "...it's yer ma."

Maybe I'll make that my signature...