Valentine's Day Wishes

Pastry will be my downfall.  If I'm sad, frustrated, scared, stressed, choked up or depressed, I turn to pastry.      If I'm happy, thrilled, excited or generally in a good humor, I turn to pastry.  I know this.  I'm in therapy for it.  I've been on a weight loss program and once committed to it stayed away from it for months and months.  Then one day I thought I had some level control over myself.  Nope... nope, I don't, not yet.

Today is Valentine's day and it was a "goodie day" for work.  Everyone brought cup cakes and cookies and I'll be damned if someone didn't bring cookies from my favorite bakery.  The Upper Crust Bakery will undo all attempts you have at maintaining your weight loss.  

A few weeks ago when one of our employees retired my boss brought one of their cakes.  I thought, oh, surely I can have one piece.  Mmhmm... Just give me a dark corner and a fork and I'll take that cake down like a dog on a ham.

Today it was cookies and again... Surely I can have just one cookie and again I'm like a dog on a ham. Luckily there are no more cookies. I'm stuck with my choices and my guilt and thank goodness I have a gym membership.  I should be telling myself ugly things, which that never works but... I think I'll skip that today.

It's Valentine's Day.  I'm in love.  I'm even in like-a-lot.  I mean how great is it that I'm with a man who gives me that authentic human connection?  So today, I'll be happy that I have his love and friendship. I think that's what we're supposed to do on Valentine's day, right?    

I'll see him tomorrow and we'll hug and be happy to see each other like we are every other day.   What's really beautiful is we don't even need a day to remind ourselves to be happy that we have each other.  There is no expectation of gifts or flowers.  There is only the expectation that in my heart I'll be tickled to see him. 

My wish for us is that on July 14th or September 8th or all the other random days of the year we'll feel the same.  I know in time that we will grow accustomed to one another and lose what one friend refers to as "party manners" but we lift each other up and push each other forward.  Even in the morning when our hair is flat and knotted and our teeth are fuzzy he still wants to kiss me.  While I wish my alarm would quit screaming or my cat would stop climbing on my head he's right there next to me, happy that I'm there.  No amount of flowers, chocolate or Upper Crust pastry could make me feel that good. 

Physically pffft...

Whoever came up with the Cybex Arc Trainer is equally brilliant and sadistic.  I have a love - hate relationship with this machine.  I think they should have called it the "Ass Kicker" but some might perceive that as inappropriate.

Let me just say that people who go to the gym don't know it as the Arc Trainer.  They know it as the "Thing that's kind of like a stair stepper" or the "grasshopper" and all agree that it's the hardest machine in the gym.  They agree with my recommendations for a name change.

It is extremely efficient and it burns more calories than the other machines.  Believe me when I say this, you will feel the burn, but here is their language from their website:

Research shows that the Cybex Arc Trainer burns more calories than any other cross trainer or elliptical cross trainer tested. The science behind the Arc Trainer’s big calorie burn is the Arc motion. It engages the right muscles – quads and glutes – that demand lots of energy from the body when they are called upon to work. That means big calorie burn. And ... because the Arc is demanding of the muscles – not the joints, it can be used longer without putting a strain on the knees, hip or back.

Whatever.  It works.  

My only complaint is the machine is stationed, at my gym, in front of the televisions that show Fox News, Telemundo and MTV.  I usually have the tunes cranked so I can run through the obligatory 45 minutes I demand of myself at least 4 times a week.  It's hard though not to read the captions.  So on Fox News I can watch Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity spout lies, throw tantrums or spit venom.  On MTV I can watch Snooki and JWoww be... well, them.  My new favorite trash television is Buckwild which shows rednecks acting like idiots.  It's like the Kentucky version of Jersey Shore.  I live in Texas, I just have to walk outside to see that bullshit.  Finally, there's Telemundo and I don't speak Spanish.  Which one do I watch?  Okay I have to admit MTV has captured some of my attention but of the three I prefer Telemundo.

I asked the gym if the channels could be changed and they said they were fixed.  I'm sure they could be changed, technically, but there are little signs on each television that say what the channel is.  I decided to keep it polite when they suggested I find another machine.  All machines are not created equal.  The Ass Kicker kicks my ass for a reason. 

I have a few new neurotic ticks.  When skinny people try to give me advice on how to eat or exercise I have to suppress the urge to put my foot on his or her throat and explain to them, "Losing 100 pounds required more than your uneducated opinion about me."  I restrain myself because I know their intentions are good.  I really do.  I'm even considering one guy's advice of trying a vegan diet. I might last 12 minutes on it, but it's worth a shot.  Still while he was offering his unsolicited advice I reminded myself why it's wrong to insult people and their mothers.

That is mixed in with my new hatred of magazines at the grocery store that have a picture of a rib-thin skinny celebrity showing off how she lost 30 pounds and went from healthy to damn near anorexic in only 6 weeks with the help of a very expensive personal trainer and personal chef.  I want to shred the magazine with my teeth. The only thing that keeps me from turning to my baser animal instincts is that behavior tends to make others a bit uncomfortable. I might be asked not only to leave but to never come back.  I'm really happy that I've never been to jail.   

I realize there's nothing I can do about pop culture and its ludicrous obsession with being thin.  It damages more than just my self esteem.  I spoke with a girl yesterday who looks dangerously thin.  She said she'd recently gained 40 pounds.  She alluded to the fact that she "just wasn't eating."  She understands the struggle with food.  Her issues are bigger than mine were at 400 pounds.  I may be at risk for the whole host of diseases associated with obesity but she's literally at risk of starving to death because something in her brain makes her not want to eat. 

I wish the best for her.  I wish the best for us all.  And to those of you who think you know what's best, remember your struggles are different from mine.  Don't get upset when I tell you how to quit smoking or stop drinking.  It's fair game if you're going to tell me how to lose weight.  

Come to the Sane Side

"Religion is hijacking people's spirituality for political purposes."

~ Robyn Hitchcock

Robyn Hitchcock may have taken too much LSD over the course of his nearly 60 years but he is relatively sane.  He has some unique opinions about religion and politics and I agree with this one.

The Religious Right has been lured by the Republican party for the last 30 years.  From the pulpit the majority of evangelical Christians were encouraged to vote for the Republican Party.  Christianity in America became a political statement.

In exchange the Republican Party gained an electorate that failed to notice the impact of the secular elements of the Republican agenda. Economists have declared trickle-down economics a failure, bank deregulation led to the Great Recession and Colin Powell admitted the evidence he presented to the UN when making the case for going to war in Iraq was false.  All of these issues cost tax payers trillions of dollars. Because the Republicans are pro-life, pro-gun and pro-God, the righteous right either didn't notice or didn't care.

In 2009, after President Obama was elected the Tea Party was formed as a segment of the Republican party.  In my opinion most Tea Party fundamentalists are voluntarily ignorant and guided by the principals written in the Bible; a book written by people who had auditory and visual hallucinations.  Those same people would be heavily medicated or committed in a hospital today.

The Republicans have gerrymandered the districts so Tea Party radicals can be elected, influence legislation and given a platform to throw their tantrums.  If they are unable to enact their legislation they are able to prevent legislation they do not want.  Any consequences are then blamed on President Obama's inability to lead them.

This electorate votes on same-sex marriage, abortion, Intelligent Design and gun control.  Fiscal conservatives surrounded themselves by a highly combustible, under-educated constituency who will push the secular issues right along with their passionate need to perpetuate Christianity and their limited world view.  

Do they understand the basics of taxes enough to know if or how they are impacted?  Do they understand if corporations pay less taxes it isn't their Earned Income Tax Credit that is affected?  It's their child's education or their grandmother's healthcare or the farm subsidies that keep food affordable.

So, what do we do to stop the madness?

What I see now is a shift in the Republican Party.  There are the evangelicals holding hands with the rich.  Then there are these poor moderate Republicans who have WTF expressions any time a loud mouth Tea Party representative says something that causes Rachel Maddow to fizz out.  Jeb Bush said the Republicans have crossed the line into crazy.  Okay I'm paraphrasing, but still, he thinks they've gone way too far to the right.

To those of you who voted Republican and wonder what the hell happened, it isn't too late.  Politics have shifted.  The nuts have taken your party over.  We will respect and accept you the way you are.  Why don't you come and play with us for a while?  

Social Rules of Engagement

Last week I spent a few days with a very nice, very Christian couple.  They really are very nice people who had no intention of offending me.  I was invited to pray with them during our first meeting and I immediately got defensive. I was very anxious the rest of the week during my interaction with them so I took a pill each time.  I decided I really need to think of how I want to be around people.

Social Rule of Engagement # 1: Whenever possible be polite.

I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl.  They made us take a personality test at work to see how we can get along with everyone. I tested with my conscious and sub-conscious markers in exactly the same spot.  If I like you, you'll know it.  If I don't like you, you'll know it.  You'll know what kind of hand I have in poker too.  I have spent years learning to temper my expressions and people still always say sarcastically, "Tell me how you really feel" or my favorite, "Did you really just say that?"

Social Rule of Engagement # 2: Know when to shut up.

For real.  If you've aggravated someone it's always better to agree to disagree.  Do not try to justify yourself or press the issue further.  If you want to continue this relationship learn to recognize their displeasure and ease yourself out of the hostility.  Unless it involves the safety of you or a loved one it isn't important enough to trash a relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 3: If someone causes you to take a pill every time you see them, rid yourself of that presence.

We shouldn't have to spend time with people who compel us to take medicine.  Those who do not have pills frequently violate rule number one.  I know.  My ass has been shown more times than I care to admit.  That's why I have pills.

The only exception to the rule is the dentist.  You should continue to see the dentist for regular cleanings and check-ups.  My dentist said once, "Everyone should have a good time when they come to see me. Use the nitrous, sit back, relax. It'll be fun."  I like my dentist a lot more when my mouth doesn't hurt.  Routine visits that include nitrous have improved our relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 4: Never discuss religion with anyone. Ever.

So one of my biggest points of anxiety is religion.  I HATE discussing it with people.  I don't want to make any one angry.  I don't want to get angry.  Politics are adjacent to this category.  If you insist, be prepared for some hostility and refer back to Rule # 2 and Rule # 6.


Social Rule of Engagement # 5: Stand up for yourself.

If someone offends you, tell them.  Do it politely and do it directly.  I guarantee 100% of the time I will respect your wishes.  Don't hold it in, retaliate or give the silent treatment either.  I don't want to continue to offend you, get offended myself or wonder what the hell I did to piss you off.  I'm too old to play games.


Social Rule of Engagement # 6: Time dilutes rage.

If someone says or does something that makes you angry, ask for time to get it out of your system.  I usually follow these instructions:

1. Go to the car.  
2. Find the song that makes me scream the loudest.  
3. HOWL along with that song at the top of my lungs until it hurts to breathe.  
4. Return and address the situation.

If someone is angry with you, ask for time to permit them to cool off.  You might still go to your car and howl along with a song or two but that's just for giggles.  If I sense someone is angry with me, I refer to Rule # 2 and give them the time I would need if I was about to spit fire and venom.

These are just the rules I came up with while I was at my dentist's office this afternoon.  For the record, I do not always follow them.   I do know that if I did I would have shown my ass less, burned fewer bridges and taken fewer pills.  They're simple enough to talk about but in practice you have to be committed and secure enough in yourself to really follow through.  If you find you're not, modern chemistry has made a better life for many.

I will leave you with a quote my boss shared with me:

If you cannot be a good example, be a horrible warning.

Those Silly Mayans

So far, I bet a lot of people are either disappointed or relieved the world hasn't ended yet.  Now it is 12:20 PM CST so I may be wrong.  I've still got a few hours to go before the day will officially be over, but I'm pretty sure we're clear.  CBS agrees.

Just in case I did get a text from my best friend:

If the world ends today, thanks for being my friend and co-conspirator. I love you.

Now that's just what awesome friends do.  It makes me feel inclined to send a mass text to all my friends but it's just a feeling and it will pass.

I'm pretty sure the day will go on as usual.

In light of recent events and the holidays and the fact accounting is not a trait that is shared genetically from mother to daughter, I fizzed out yesterday.  I'm glad my boss didn't see it because that would've been embarrassing.  I mean my job doesn't really require a lot of accounting but when it does, it really does.  I can do algebra so I'm pretty sure given some time I can figure out accounting, but yesterday, time was the variable I was lacking.  I fizzled, popped and ate a burrito because burritos always make me feel better.

My mom said I'm being mean lately and after telling her to get out of the car I went and bought a mattress.  Sleeping on an air mattress was a great idea in theory, but in practice, it's awful. I know a new mattress set is a risk since bed bugs are notoriously difficult to get rid of but I bought protectors and duck tape.  The mattress will be delivered some time on Saturday so I anticipate a nap and a good night's sleep.  My mom can rest easy and know I will resume my normal mood swing variations soon.  I'm sarcastic, all the time and bossy some of the time, but rarely am I ever mean.

After all of that is said this morning I saw an awful accident that made me realize how lucky I am that all I've had to do is deal with some pesky bugs.  My friend told me these kinds of things drive people nuts, but let's really look at it.  I'm inconvenienced by this.  I am healthy, for the most part and I have everything I need to function. I may breathe fire occasionally when the stress gets too much, but at least I don't have to worry about whether I'll be able to walk again.

In the spirit of doomsday my boyfriend wrote a tribute to Armageddon and the songs written about it.  Here is his blog.  Check it out.

...And Bite They Will, Part 2 and a half

The pest control specialist came out yesterday and he seems to think we can lick the problem with one treatment. I didn't see any bugs last night.  Believe me when I say I would've noticed.  I'm on an air mattress and I feel everything.  I have forsaken sleep in an effort to keep my vigil. This is not voluntary but I woke up at 4am this morning.  I hate mornings, but on the bright side I have plenty of time to sit back, drink a few cups of coffee and get so ramped up on caffeine I'll do the river dance.

On a lighter note, I got a promotion so maybe things are looking up.

... And Bite They Will, Part 2

I had to go on line and find me something happy to look at because I was in such distress over this.  I found this nugget of joy:

There, that's better.

So if you've signed a bed bug addendum with your lease, you are responsible for the cost of the bed bug remediation.  We're still finding out if the renters' insurance will cover it.  It is likely they won't and we'll have to replace all our stuff at our own expense.

The manager of our apartments was immediately defensive when I told her I would be doing the prep work this weekend.  She said I couldn't do it until it was scheduled.  I told her the bug guy said we wouldn't be scheduled until we had done the prep work.  Then she talked to me like I was an idiot.

I hate it when people talk to me like I am an idiot.  I hate it more when said person has control over me.  I contained myself and simply let her tell me what to do.  I refrained from telling her my impressions.  My mother, on the other hand, did not.

This complex is supposed to be a nice complex.  I pay a lot of money to live there.  I think I should at least be given some respect by the staff who manage it.  All is nice enough until things do not go their way.  They are perfectly content to label us as a problem and treat us poorly because we do not fit nicely into their "luxury apartments" scheme.

My mom went in there to deal with them and she was told to leave.  When she said the manager couldn't kick her out of her office, the manager threatened her with eviction.  Well, that's just plain bad customer service.

In short, we're fucked.  We have to use their pest control specialist.  We have to pay their fees to protect their property from a problem they may have caused. No options will be offered.  We can't just leave.  If we do, we will take the bugs with us.  If we stay we will have to live with the bugs.  We have no control over the situation.

Important lessons learned:

1 - Your apartment complex controls you.  When I was younger I complained about riding the bus and my friend told me, "If you want your own seat you need to own your seat."  Even if this was at my house it would suck, but it would suck on my terms.

2 - Regardless of the truth in the statement, telling a woman she is worth little more than breeding stock is never a good idea.  Mom was lucky it only lead to a threat of eviction and not a knock-down, drag-out fight.

3 - Find out some way to sleep with it.  I've slept very little this week. Everyone can tell.

4 - Stop researching on the internet. You've found out everything you will at that point.  If you have not called a professional, you're wasting valuable time.  Pick up the phone.

5 - Losing your temper in these situations never helps.  All you do is show your ass and reveal all the cards you are supposed to hold close to your vest.

6 - Our complex has a citywide, good reputation.  I tell people where I live and they've all heard of it, know where it is and know it's a good complex.  A single star review given by an angry resident is not sufficient to do much damage.  I typically take single star reviews as little more than a temper tantrum thrown by an irrational person.  I know that personally, when I have given a single star review it was because I was foaming at the mouth. Now, if a local reporter has offered to help you there might be something you can do.  I happen to be dating a local reporter who has been very helpful this week. All the effort he has put into cleaning my place has made him very eager to offer his services should this all go south(er).

Stay tuned.