Social Rules of Engagement

Last week I spent a few days with a very nice, very Christian couple.  They really are very nice people who had no intention of offending me.  I was invited to pray with them during our first meeting and I immediately got defensive. I was very anxious the rest of the week during my interaction with them so I took a pill each time.  I decided I really need to think of how I want to be around people.

Social Rule of Engagement # 1: Whenever possible be polite.

I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl.  They made us take a personality test at work to see how we can get along with everyone. I tested with my conscious and sub-conscious markers in exactly the same spot.  If I like you, you'll know it.  If I don't like you, you'll know it.  You'll know what kind of hand I have in poker too.  I have spent years learning to temper my expressions and people still always say sarcastically, "Tell me how you really feel" or my favorite, "Did you really just say that?"

Social Rule of Engagement # 2: Know when to shut up.

For real.  If you've aggravated someone it's always better to agree to disagree.  Do not try to justify yourself or press the issue further.  If you want to continue this relationship learn to recognize their displeasure and ease yourself out of the hostility.  Unless it involves the safety of you or a loved one it isn't important enough to trash a relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 3: If someone causes you to take a pill every time you see them, rid yourself of that presence.

We shouldn't have to spend time with people who compel us to take medicine.  Those who do not have pills frequently violate rule number one.  I know.  My ass has been shown more times than I care to admit.  That's why I have pills.

The only exception to the rule is the dentist.  You should continue to see the dentist for regular cleanings and check-ups.  My dentist said once, "Everyone should have a good time when they come to see me. Use the nitrous, sit back, relax. It'll be fun."  I like my dentist a lot more when my mouth doesn't hurt.  Routine visits that include nitrous have improved our relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 4: Never discuss religion with anyone. Ever.

So one of my biggest points of anxiety is religion.  I HATE discussing it with people.  I don't want to make any one angry.  I don't want to get angry.  Politics are adjacent to this category.  If you insist, be prepared for some hostility and refer back to Rule # 2 and Rule # 6.


Social Rule of Engagement # 5: Stand up for yourself.

If someone offends you, tell them.  Do it politely and do it directly.  I guarantee 100% of the time I will respect your wishes.  Don't hold it in, retaliate or give the silent treatment either.  I don't want to continue to offend you, get offended myself or wonder what the hell I did to piss you off.  I'm too old to play games.


Social Rule of Engagement # 6: Time dilutes rage.

If someone says or does something that makes you angry, ask for time to get it out of your system.  I usually follow these instructions:

1. Go to the car.  
2. Find the song that makes me scream the loudest.  
3. HOWL along with that song at the top of my lungs until it hurts to breathe.  
4. Return and address the situation.

If someone is angry with you, ask for time to permit them to cool off.  You might still go to your car and howl along with a song or two but that's just for giggles.  If I sense someone is angry with me, I refer to Rule # 2 and give them the time I would need if I was about to spit fire and venom.

These are just the rules I came up with while I was at my dentist's office this afternoon.  For the record, I do not always follow them.   I do know that if I did I would have shown my ass less, burned fewer bridges and taken fewer pills.  They're simple enough to talk about but in practice you have to be committed and secure enough in yourself to really follow through.  If you find you're not, modern chemistry has made a better life for many.

I will leave you with a quote my boss shared with me:

If you cannot be a good example, be a horrible warning.