I had these friends several years ago. We were a group of five. We all worked together. Then I got promoted and my role in the group ended.
I know why. I went from being their equal to being their boss. They were all hopeful I would improve the department. There were things they didn't know though. There were things I didn't know.
The group rejected me. OH BOY did that hurt. I lost all these friends over the course of a few weeks. Two of them retired and one of them left the department. The one who remained was difficult.
A young lady we all worked with died last week. She was sick the entire time I knew her. We worked together for seven years. We weren't friends but we got along well enough. I really wanted to go to her funeral because we did have a relationship. We were respectful of one another.
I knew all or part of this group would be there and I was filled with anxiety. My friend told me we were going. She would hold my hand if necessary but we were going. She jokes, "Melissa, I love you so much I'd let you wear my shoes." We're close. We've walked side by side for a long time.
Only one of them was there. He had retired and when his wife left the department he sent me a message on Facebook to let me know how disappointed he was in me. I was going through a really troubling time and I really needed my friends to support me. I had already been rejected by them and then he threw that on it. I was furious.
I deleted their phone numbers. I blocked them on Facebook. I carried on with my job. I carried on with my life.
I saw one of the women in the group about a year ago when our former boss retired. I was upset about seeing her for days. When all this went down, she rejected me the coldest way by telling me, "I understand that we have to talk at work but I don't want to talk to you in public."
At the funeral, I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want him to be there. My brain was being flooded with anxiety. But I handled it. I went through the mass and did all the things to be respectful of my former coworker.
We were at the back of the church. The way the funeral happened we were going to be the last to be let out so I just waited while they all walked past me. Several of my former coworkers were walking past and they hugged me. He was in line behind them and he hugged me too. I didn't know what else to do other than hug him back. We didn't say anything. He kept moving.
At first I was a little aggravated. Then later last night I was thinking about it and I kind of went back through the things I knew about his personality. He was generally calm and friendly and peaceful. He thought I was too high strung and would tell me things like I needed to go watch a tree grow. I'd just roll my eyes and laugh it off.
Suddenly I realized what he was saying by hugging me... "Let it go."
Okay maybe he was just following the trend of the people that preceded him, but that's what I felt. It's time to let it go. I forgive him. I forgive them. That was years ago. I'm happy now. It's like the taint of that pain was creating this huge burden of anxiety that I was forced to carry. They don't care. I have only been hurting myself.
Today I have friends I love. All my friends are different and wonderful. Some I work with. Some I work near and others I see when I can. I have friends who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. They're the ones I want to keep near me. I've surrounded myself with people who lift me up and guide me to make myself a better person. I can only hope I do the same for them.
I haven't cleared myself of all my pain or angst but as time goes on I feel pieces of my history start to heal. This was a big one.
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