The Wisdom to Know the Difference

If you don't know me personally I need to preface this entry with the statement that I panic a lot. It doesn't take much.  I don't cry.  I chew on things until they pass and either turn out to be less than imagined so I feel silly or more than I imagine so I feel unprepared.  Rarely do I find I have dedicated the appropriate amount of time and energy to a high-stress situation.  With age I'm getting better, but I'll eventually run out of time and I don't know if my heart can take it in 20 years.

My mom is going to have surgery on Friday to save her life.  It's the second time in six months.  Last time I said, "Let's wait until the new year before we have anymore drama okay?"  When she was complaining in November about her right side pain I assured her it was gas.  Our family doctor and I both said she should eat some yogurt.  In January she saw a specialist, had some scans and low and behold it's cancer.

I learned one very important lesson.

Freaking out solves nothing.

A few weeks ago we got one of the many scans back and it suggested Mom may have cancer in two places and my heart dropped again.  I had just recovered from the news of the initial diagnosis.  We knew she had it in her colon.  They said it was Stage 1 if this second spot wasn't cancer.  That's a pretty big 'IF'.

When she was diagnosed I went online and found everything I could about colon cancer.  They soften the edges for the casual reader.  They don't want to scare the piss out of you.  I needed the truth.  I read the medical practitioner section of the same website and had the piss scared out of me.  

I found out this is a coping mechanism.  If I know as much about something as I can, I can gain control over it.  HA!  I actually thought I could gain control over cancer.

I wanted so badly to go charging into each doctor's office and schedule my mom ahead of all the other patients.  I was so frustrated.  I just wanted to scream at everyone, "Don't you see what's happening?!"  When they have their own lives and trouble and other patients who are going through the exact same thing.

This second spot they found was the universe announcing I have exactly no control over this.  It took me sitting in my car in rush hour traffic on the way home that evening to realize there was nothing I could do.  She was going to see the doctor the following day and he would determine if the spot was worthy of further examination.  

On Thursday evening at 6:00 PM the only thing I have control over is myself and whether I listen to NPR or my iPod.  I have no control over traffic, the weather, the Republicans, North Korea or my mom's cancer.  

Once I realized that I relaxed and it was like the weight of the previous weeks had been released.  I accepted I have one job.  I am supposed to love her.  That's all I can do.  I can stand by her while she deals with this life threatening illness.  I can hold her hand while we talk to doctors about some really scary shit.  When she calls me with special requests I can get them for her.  

Most importantly I can take care of myself.  If I don't take care of myself I am of no use to either of us.  She will need me a lot more in the coming months than she does today.  

I know I'm not the first person to go through this.  I'm certainly not the last.  I know countless books, articles and seminars have been given on this topic, but if you're anything like me, you may need to get this information from more than one source.  My advice to anyone who is up against the wall with something that causes them to freak out is this:

1. Take a breath.  For real.  I snorted the last time someone told me to do it and when it worked I felt like an idiot so just do it.  (Repeat this as often as necessary.)  
2. If you have a friend who can help you through this, call them.  My mom's best friend always says "Don't borrow trouble" and "Sufficient are the troubles of today." Call that friend.
3. I never thought I'd say this but think of the Serenity Prayer.  Accept the things you can and cannot change and hopefully a relaxation exercise or two has given you the wisdom to know the difference.
4. Focus ONLY on the things you can control.  
5. Define your duties and be thorough.  All those articles you read about time management and organization matter now.  If you haven't read any of those articles and are as naturally disorganized as I am, take an hour to check out a few.
6. Let the rest of it go.  You have defined the things you can control.  Now go forth and control those things.  That should be sufficient to keep you busy.

So far the last 10 days have been MUCH easier.  I have been a better problem solver.  I have been a better employee because I am taking better care of myself.  I am actually taking care of my business, not just myself.  

An example of one thing I did was I cut off all my hair.  It was dried out and over-processed and it frustrated me. I went to a salon and told her to get rid of it all.  Now, instead of 15 minutes of begging my hair not to look awful, it takes me 12 seconds to get ready in the morning.  It was something I could control.  Now I don't have to worry about my hair.

It looks like my mom will be fine after the surgery.  My life will resume some sort of normal.  I hope.  I am hoping for a little bit of a break.  I am hoping for some time to hang out and enjoy the spring and spend time with my mom and love my boyfriend and my pets and do a good job at work with my new found skill of "self-care."  I've started volunteering at SafePlace.  I want to be able to help the women in our community who are affected by violence to live better lives.  

Now, going forward, I hope I remember I wrote this the next time I panic about something.