I let my ex-husband have Toki in the divorce. He couldn't bear to be separated from any of his cats though he did give up Neko in the fight. She was diabetic so I fought to put her to sleep because she was so sick, but the ex insisted he could handle it.
Toki got sicker. He asked me for money once to buy her insulin. Then he never said anything else. I never asked. I divorced myself from him and his life and the situations he encounters. I have to trust he did the best he could to care for her.
I still cried. It's probably easier for me than him. I lost her months ago. When he called me I was able to see her for the shell of the cat she was. She smelled like my dad when he was dying in hospice. She was dehydrated and would have died soon, but why make what is left in her sweet little heart suffer? It's sad. I'm sad. She was an awesome cat. She was a spitfire, "just like her mom."
My stepdaughter said it best, I think. "Toki loves Melissa, likes Dad and hates everyone else." Leaving was the hardest part for me. I lost 5 friends when I left and she was one of them. But in the end I could no longer care for her.
I grew her. I loved her. Seeing her this afternoon was hard. It hurts. It burns. My heart aches. I searched in my heart to see if there was something I could have done differently and I don't think there was. I took the Westies and they view cats as prey. When Lizard starts barking at them I say, "No, hon, they taste like pain."
I told Toki to look for "Momma" our cat who died a few years ago. I did that mainly for Tom. I don't believe in heaven. I believe her remains will be cast back to the earth and she will return to us only different.
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