Psych fest

So early Wednesday morning I get up in the dark and stub my toe on my cat's scratching pad. It hurt like a mother fucker but I was on a mission so I limped back to bed and went back to sleep. I ended up working from home that day so I didn't put a lot of pressure on it. I went to work the next day and thought a lot differently.

I went to the doctor because my boss said, "Toes aren't supposed to be that color." The xrays revealed I have a broken toe. I'm in a boot until at least next Tuesday when I see the podiatrist.

My husband has been to Austin Psych Fest for at least the past 3 years. This year he is going to spend the entire weekend at the festival. I decided I wanted to go to the concert with him for a little while. I would arrive at my time and leave at my time. That way I had limited potential of turning into a whiny bitch. If I felt like it was time to go home then I'd go home and he could stay. Freedom.

It's three stages in an open field. I'm in an orthopedic boot. I'm going to that music festival. I will be strong and limit my whining. I will be smart and take a chair. I'll get to spend some quality time with my husband in his happy place. So hell yeah, I'm going to psych fest.

Oh and there are some really cool bands. Check it out:

The Horrors : Do you remember

Temples : Colours to Life

Email Signatures

12 line signatures that include graphics and inspirational messages are inappropriate for work.

• ·          Less than 8 lines. That’s being generous because an address takes 2 lines. Mine usually has 4. I think it should include your name, job title, agency and department and phone number. That’s it. That’s four lines, plus 2 for an address and 6 max, but let’s be generous for those who include their fax number or some other appropriate detritus.
• ·        The font should be consistent throughout the signature. Don’t script your name. Don’t change the colors.
• ·        Everyone knows what “Phone” and “Fax” means. We don’t need pictures.
• ·        Don’t put your email address. You sent the email, I’ve got it.
• ·        Under no circumstance should you EVER put an inspirational message in your signature. Ever. If I see much more of it I’ll include something highly antagonistic like, “Old white men don’t belong in a uterus.” Or “No one gives a shit what you think.” I’ve seen religious and political messages and both are so very inappropriate. No one at work knows how anti-religious and liberal I am. I’m scary about both.

On your personal email, do as you will. No one gives a shit.

My Dad's Vagina

When I was young, my dad bought a pastel drawing that cost several thousands of dollars. As a child I looked at it and saw a figure walking into the light. That might even be the name of the painting. It looks like a pink figure walking into a mix of pink, yellow and white tunnel of light. It's actually very pretty.

When my dad died, I was able to claim it because my half brother said it looked like a butt and if he wanted to see a butt, there were magazines that interested him more. He was really good to me but he sort of objectified women after his divorce. 

So after my dad died I went to visit my mom because I needed some TLC and she saw that picture in the back of my car and demanded that she not be forced to look at it.

Wha?

She explained that while he was paying it off in layaway he would go and "visit" it, and gaze lovingly at it. Then as he was writing the check for the final payment, she saw that it was a vagina. It was a vagina in the Georgia O'Keefe sense of artistic expression. Suddenly it went from being art to pornography in her mind and she very rapidly went from appreciation to hatred.

She confronted my dad about it and he denied that was why he wanted it. Then he said, "Oh yeah, I guess you're right." They were sleeping in separate bedrooms by that time and he was forced to put it in his room so she wouldn't be forced to look at it.

20 years later, when I got home with it I was forced to hang it in my bedroom so she would never see it.

Now, we live together and our paintings are all stacked up against the wall waiting to be hung. Charles and I were going through them and I saw it. I very quietly said, "Don't let Mom see that. We'll have to hang it in our room." He expected me to explain.

We left to go to Home Depot for picture hangers and I explained the story to him. He said agreed it looked mostly like a figure walking into the light at the end of a tunnel but he could see the vagina. So he said, "I really don't think we should be forced to hang your father's vagina on our wall because your mom has a problem with it." 

This is all I have left of my dad. Some may think it's tacky of me to make fun of him after he's dead. If you knew him you'd understand that while he would have been horrified, he would have returned the favor in his famously passive aggressive style so I figure we're good. My brother, if he was still here to criticize, would dare me to put it on Facebook.

Phone forgotten... again

A few weeks ago I forgot my phone at home. I equated it to leaving my shoes at home.

I left my phone at home today. I considered turning around to go get it but I was past the midway point in my commute. It was a tough decision. It wasn't the traffic I would face that made me stop. It was my inclination to simply lay my head back down and go to sleep until noon. That might chap my boss so I elected to go to work without it.

So... here I sit counting the minutes until I get it back.

Actually my life is a little more peaceful without it. It's odd how bound we are to our devices. I can claim I have an elderly parent who needs to reach me as my excuse. Really, I have a husband who I'm nuts about. I still get excited when I see that he's texted me.

I know we've been together long enough for that to fade. I still remember when we first started dating we'd sneak texts to each other all day. They were rarely about anything important, but my heart would jump a little when I saw his name on the notification. You'd think over a year and a half later with an engagement and marriage behind us that would go away but it hasn't. I still smile when I see it's him. It could be a grocery list, a naughty text or even a grumble about his day at work and I still smile when I see his name.

We sicken our friends. We are so crazy about each other my friends are groaning and rolling their eyes. I'm not sure about his friends but I'd bet it's similar. He went to a concert with a friend on Friday and spent the night on his friend's couch. He woke up early in the morning and told his friend's roommate that he needed to get home to see his woman. That made me smile. I love being "his woman."

So if you're reading this and you groan, I accept that I earned it. I accept that we're the sickeningly cute newlyweds. One friend said we were such newlyweds and after 20 years of marriage I'll be begging him to spend the night on his friend's couch. All I can say is at this point, I hope so, because 20 years with him sounds really nice.

One month

So we've officially been married and lived together for a month. We haven't tried to kill each other so I'd say things are going well.

We've learned a lot about each other.  For starters, I am not a morning person. To give you an example, I staggered into the bathroom one morning to take a shower and he said, "That's not your cute face." I made a motion that I perceived to be a smile and he said, "Nice try." It was more of a grimace. We haven't tried that again.

Here's what I've taken away from the last month is that he has really adapted well to being a husband, living with two feisty women, one of them being his mother-in-law. He has been polite, friendly and considerate. He tries to accommodate both mine and my mother's needs. He is forgiving of her snack habit that usually includes eating his snacks. He is good to my cats. Most importantly, he's good to me. He makes it seem effortless and I know Mom and I are both very expressive women.

In the time we've been together I've lost my temper twice. Once was during this last month and I conceded that I was a bitch and felt guilty about it. He agreed that I was a bitch and accepted my apology. But here's the scenario:

We've already established my morning characteristics. I was in the shower doing my best to melt my grimace into at least a more malleable shape when he drops not one, but two bottles in the shower. BAM! BAM! Then came the screaming, "GETTHEFUCKOUTOFHERE!" He was trying to apologize and I repeated myself at a higher volume.

I came out of the shower and he acted like nothing had happened. I'd just cussed him out for an accident, twice. He was still trying to hug and kiss on me. I felt really horrible. Here I am, with the nicest guy in the world and I screamed at him. I felt awful.

So, what have I learned? I'm married to the nicest, kindest, most caring and loving man in the world and he's also accident prone.  I need to have enough of a grip on myself in the mornings to love and accept him as he is and enjoy what I have all day, not just after 10am.

We're Married!

We did it! We were successful with only a few minor glitches in the plan. The main one was that we had to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to perform the ceremony. We got there a little early so we would be able to get our paperwork completed. Then the questions began, "Do they know we're here? Are you sure you made reservations? Do you think they forgot about us?"

I was confident we would be done and out of there before they closed. I was a little nervous but that's to be expected. Charles sat next to me the entire time with his arm around my back and we were happy together while we waited.

The judge was hilarious. He told someone who was there before for a separate issue it was good to see him again. It took our friend a moment to realize it was a joke but that moment was pretty funny. Then he said at the beginning of the ceremony that though we weren't saying our own vows Charles would perform a song for the audience members at the end. I cringed and was asked to confirm that we did not want Charles to sing.

Then there was the party.  I was probably more nervous about the party than the wedding.  I had to run Mom home and in the process I ran inside and burst forth from the "shape wear" into something more comfortable. We had to drive in rush hour traffic across town and finally we made it where there were a few guests there waiting for us.

I erupted into my extroverted self and felt like the life of the party. I had some wine and some snacks and we got a wonderful cake from the Upper Crust bakery. Everyone seemed happy and I had to make sure they all understood fighting for a second piece, though entertaining, would not be permitted.

Finally we made it home and collapsed. I made sure my mom had a bottle of wine and two pieces of cake and Charles and I spent the rest of the weekend beautifully in love. We went for a walk in the lovely weather, went to his favorite record store for his birthday and then we went to karaoke for me where I did well on all three songs I sang.

It was a wonderful weekend where we could set ourselves free into the life we've chosen. We know it won't always be easy but we have a wonderful and healthy relationship that will last as long as our vows say it should.

Less Catastrophic

So everything is set. We're going to have a ceremony and a nice little get together with the family and a few of our closest friends. It will be really lovely.

After we'll probably go home and pass out because it's such a big day and we have a lot of preparation but that's fine. We've told everyone that Saturday is our day and they get to leave us alone no matter how far they've come to visit us.

That night though I will go to karaoke and they can come with us if they want. I find that a lot of people are resistant to karaoke so that should shoo them off.  But yes, there will be karaoke. I will sing Video Games by Lana Del Rey and maybe Read My Mind by The Killers. If his brothers show up they can watch me rock it or choke perhaps but either way I'll have fun.

I miss my friend who flaked. I am grieving her loss. She was wacky and funny and I thought she was supportive. But in reality she was unreliable and untrustworthy and now I feel like we never were friends from the beginning. I need closure but not today. I've decided to wait until after the wedding.

This weekend Charles was so sweet and kind and funny and it reminded me that he is the priority in all of this. He is my reason that I am gathering us all together to celebrate. I am his reason. This really is happening. I'm going to marry the man who showed me love can be healthy and helped me to heal from the all the rest.

I can't say no one else before him mattered because I had some relationships that really were important. I really loved some of them but the relationships became so damaged the love could no longer support them. They shaped me into who I am so I can be the woman that Charles loves today.  If it were not for them I may not have been able to appreciate Charles for the kind, funny and loving person he is.

We were at the store on Saturday and we saw this old couple holding hands and being sweet.  He told me he wants us to grow old together and become that couple. I kissed him and turned around and this woman was standing there smiling at us. I blushed and apologized and she said, "No, ya'll are cute. Carry on." Today all I can think is, yeah, we're cute and we shall carry on.