Team Effort

So we got my mom through a really intense surgery.  She's still recovering but after almost 4 weeks she's finally back home.  She's probably in better shape now than she was when she walked into the hospital the morning of her surgery. She's certainly excited that she's back in her unkempt home with her unkempt dogs and her television that I think she hugged.

I visited her twice a day while she was in skilled nursing.  The morning visit was just for a few minutes.  We'd discuss her activities for the day and then we'd see if we could negotiate her escape. There were a few days when we had to battle the stupidity of the staff but for the most part it was uneventful.

In the evenings I would visit with her for maybe an hour.  I realized that I needed something to do with my hands while I was there so I started to crochet.  I don't know what I'm crocheting beyond it will resemble a rectangle.  I can crochet straight lines. That can result in a scarf or a blanket or a pot holder, but that's pretty much it.

My boyfriend's mother teaches crochet. On Saturday I sat with her and we crocheted together.  It was really nice.  While he slept on her couch, she and I sat together and discussed my mom, ex-husbands and how wonderful my boyfriend really is to me.

When I saw Mom that evening I talked to her about it. She asked me if I would mind sitting with her for a few minutes each day like we did in the nursing home.  We could sit and discuss our day and life and love and new discoveries and the dogs.  I agreed to do it because I love my mom and I enjoy spending time with her.

I realized that dealing with my mom's mortality involves both of us.  It also involves my half-brother, who was very supportive of her especially. He offered to come and help and if it gets worse I may clean my carpets and take him up on it.  It also involved her best friend, her surly sister and what I like to refer to as "Team Austin."  They are a group of close friends who support both of us through this process.  You know who you are.  I appreciate everyone who has offered me words of comfort and encouragement while she has been handed this horrible illness to contend with.

She has to do the heavy lifting.  She is the one having the surgery and possibly the chemo therapy or the radiation, or not.  I am driving her to the appointments.  I visit with her daily to comfort not only her, but me too.

One day it felt like it was just me.  Then a friend showed up with fruit and flowers at the hospital.  I realized that every single bit of relief is priceless.  I will always remember the relief of seeing a caring face of a friend who took a few minutes out of her day to support me.  Those were 30 golden minutes.

I think going forward I want to offer that same relief to my friends.  I learned it's also my responsibility to be there for them when I can.  I commit to making a better effort in the future.  I promise to all my friends to actually show up or call or do whatever I can to give them a touch of the love they need to get through their tough times.

This process has involved a lot of stress.  I've lost a lot of sleep and used a lot of sick leave and through it all,  my friends have loved me.  Not all of them read my blog but to those who do, thank you for all you do.

The Wisdom to Know the Difference

If you don't know me personally I need to preface this entry with the statement that I panic a lot. It doesn't take much.  I don't cry.  I chew on things until they pass and either turn out to be less than imagined so I feel silly or more than I imagine so I feel unprepared.  Rarely do I find I have dedicated the appropriate amount of time and energy to a high-stress situation.  With age I'm getting better, but I'll eventually run out of time and I don't know if my heart can take it in 20 years.

My mom is going to have surgery on Friday to save her life.  It's the second time in six months.  Last time I said, "Let's wait until the new year before we have anymore drama okay?"  When she was complaining in November about her right side pain I assured her it was gas.  Our family doctor and I both said she should eat some yogurt.  In January she saw a specialist, had some scans and low and behold it's cancer.

I learned one very important lesson.

Freaking out solves nothing.

A few weeks ago we got one of the many scans back and it suggested Mom may have cancer in two places and my heart dropped again.  I had just recovered from the news of the initial diagnosis.  We knew she had it in her colon.  They said it was Stage 1 if this second spot wasn't cancer.  That's a pretty big 'IF'.

When she was diagnosed I went online and found everything I could about colon cancer.  They soften the edges for the casual reader.  They don't want to scare the piss out of you.  I needed the truth.  I read the medical practitioner section of the same website and had the piss scared out of me.  

I found out this is a coping mechanism.  If I know as much about something as I can, I can gain control over it.  HA!  I actually thought I could gain control over cancer.

I wanted so badly to go charging into each doctor's office and schedule my mom ahead of all the other patients.  I was so frustrated.  I just wanted to scream at everyone, "Don't you see what's happening?!"  When they have their own lives and trouble and other patients who are going through the exact same thing.

This second spot they found was the universe announcing I have exactly no control over this.  It took me sitting in my car in rush hour traffic on the way home that evening to realize there was nothing I could do.  She was going to see the doctor the following day and he would determine if the spot was worthy of further examination.  

On Thursday evening at 6:00 PM the only thing I have control over is myself and whether I listen to NPR or my iPod.  I have no control over traffic, the weather, the Republicans, North Korea or my mom's cancer.  

Once I realized that I relaxed and it was like the weight of the previous weeks had been released.  I accepted I have one job.  I am supposed to love her.  That's all I can do.  I can stand by her while she deals with this life threatening illness.  I can hold her hand while we talk to doctors about some really scary shit.  When she calls me with special requests I can get them for her.  

Most importantly I can take care of myself.  If I don't take care of myself I am of no use to either of us.  She will need me a lot more in the coming months than she does today.  

I know I'm not the first person to go through this.  I'm certainly not the last.  I know countless books, articles and seminars have been given on this topic, but if you're anything like me, you may need to get this information from more than one source.  My advice to anyone who is up against the wall with something that causes them to freak out is this:

1. Take a breath.  For real.  I snorted the last time someone told me to do it and when it worked I felt like an idiot so just do it.  (Repeat this as often as necessary.)  
2. If you have a friend who can help you through this, call them.  My mom's best friend always says "Don't borrow trouble" and "Sufficient are the troubles of today." Call that friend.
3. I never thought I'd say this but think of the Serenity Prayer.  Accept the things you can and cannot change and hopefully a relaxation exercise or two has given you the wisdom to know the difference.
4. Focus ONLY on the things you can control.  
5. Define your duties and be thorough.  All those articles you read about time management and organization matter now.  If you haven't read any of those articles and are as naturally disorganized as I am, take an hour to check out a few.
6. Let the rest of it go.  You have defined the things you can control.  Now go forth and control those things.  That should be sufficient to keep you busy.

So far the last 10 days have been MUCH easier.  I have been a better problem solver.  I have been a better employee because I am taking better care of myself.  I am actually taking care of my business, not just myself.  

An example of one thing I did was I cut off all my hair.  It was dried out and over-processed and it frustrated me. I went to a salon and told her to get rid of it all.  Now, instead of 15 minutes of begging my hair not to look awful, it takes me 12 seconds to get ready in the morning.  It was something I could control.  Now I don't have to worry about my hair.

It looks like my mom will be fine after the surgery.  My life will resume some sort of normal.  I hope.  I am hoping for a little bit of a break.  I am hoping for some time to hang out and enjoy the spring and spend time with my mom and love my boyfriend and my pets and do a good job at work with my new found skill of "self-care."  I've started volunteering at SafePlace.  I want to be able to help the women in our community who are affected by violence to live better lives.  

Now, going forward, I hope I remember I wrote this the next time I panic about something.

Pinback

Up until Friday night Pinback was one of my new favorite bands. I overcame my issues with crowds and eagerly waited for an hour and a half through what was either an ironically stupid or just plain stupid opening act.  They came on and I was really impressed because they almost sounded like their studio music.  It was pretty obvious they didn't know they needed to warm up their voices. Once they got into their set they quit missing notes and sounded like their studio albums.

About half way through the show I got tired of the people behind me dancing and hitting my back.  My boyfriend moved to shield me from them and the girl wedged herself into his space shoving us both to the side.  She was squealing and thrashing about excitedly and I decided I no longer wanted to be close to this obnoxious young woman.

I am trying to live a life dedicated to non-violence since I've become a volunteer at SafePlace, the local battered women's shelter.  I wanted to throat punch the girl for shoving us out of our spots.  She is the reason I avoid concerts because when I am at home or in my car listening to my music I rarely feel compelled to commit any act of violence.  I also get to listen to their cleaned up, studio sound without weather or stupid, ironically or otherwise, opening acts.

Because my friend texted me that she was at the show we decided to stay. The crowd wasn't so bad where we landed after being unceremoniously shoved out of our spots. I decided it was an opportunity for me and my boyfriend to hold hands and slow dance like we would've in high school.  Considering he makes me feel young again it was perfectly acceptable.

After the show we found my friend and went for coffee.  We agreed their songs sounded a lot alike but the encore was pretty good.  It was a pretty good show.  It was worth the price of admission.

I must add they no longer occupy a spot among my favorites though.  The song I've attached is one of my favorite songs. It is the best example of 75 songs that sound a lot alike.  Perhaps the lyrics are different but the tempo, sound and general feel of the songs are all the same.

Because their songs do mostly sound alike I've removed them from the upper echelons of my favorites.  They remain safely among the bands I am happy to hear though.  That's saying a lot because if Sting and the Indigo Girls knew I'd finally rejected them after many years I'm sure they would be disappointed.

Television, the gym and penises

I do not own a television.

When I got divorced I gave the television to my ex-husband in exchange for my cat.  I find her far more entertaining.

That isn't to say I don't watch television shows.  The Internet is a wonderful thing.  With Netflix and iTunes and Hulu I am able to stay up to date on all my favorite shows.  What I don't get are the ads or the bulk of senseless crap they're putting on television.  I spent hours in front of my television watching America's Next Top Model and Friends re-runs.  I also played Rockband on my Wii and that was a lot of fun.  I'd consider buying another television if it would come with a Wii and two self-sustaining teenagers to play with me.

For some reason we, as a nation, care about the Kardashians, probably more than the Obamas.  Ask a thousand people their thoughts on sequestration and ask the same group about Snooki's baby and I'm fairly certain you'll get more information about the baby.  As I've stated in at least one earlier post, my choices at the gym are MTV, Fox News or Telemundo and I don't speak Spanish.  I understand Stupid enough to know I should reconsider what machines I use.

Yesterday I was donating platelets which takes a few hours and I was subjected to what the staff wanted to watch.  It wasn't so bad.  They were watching Tron which I hadn't seen and didn't want to see bad enough to quit listening to my music.  Then came a commercial for my favorite hummus.  That's when I felt like an idiot.

Whenever discussing hummus, I've asked people if they've heard of that brand and they always say yes.  I don't think it's as bad as saying, "Have you heard of these things called 'Fritos' or 'Dr. Pepper' or 'apples'?"  I suppose it just made me feel a little daft.

I realize today all this does is make me seem a little disconnected from the rest of society which isn't so bad.  I'm neither one of those people who only watches wrestling in the neighboring trailer nor am I one of those people who only reads physics periodicals.  I listen to NPR when I feel I'm not informed enough and I read a lot.  I also use Facebook.

Saying I depend some on social networking may make me sound like fall into the trailer park category, so let me be clear, it does not mean I depend on the captioned pictures of kittens for my news.  It means I find some fairly interesting articles on random topics and I am entertained by them.

I found this gem a few days ago on Facebook: Interesting penis facts.  Now you too can be an expert on penises because you read an article about it on the internet.

Know the way home

The other day I had to have my eyes dilated and I warned my friends to avoid MoPac and Duval around 3pm that afternoon.  I got a few, "What?! You're driving?"
My response was, "Why? The car knows the way home."

It's been a really rough week.  My mom was diagnosed with cancer and we've been playing those games.  There was the meet and greet with the doctors who told us to wait.  Then there was the waiting.  There was a little crying and a lot of anxiety and thank goodness for the emotional duct tape Klonapin.  It's good for what ails you when you're in the midst of a nightmare such as this.

Finally yesterday we found out that while it is bad, it is not as bad as we thought.  It appears to be treatable. So yesterday evening I got home about 8pm and fell asleep.  I woke up at 2am, peeled my cat off my head, kicked my shoes off and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 6am still exhausted but a little more relieved than I had been the previous day.

This evening I was driving to my boyfriend's for an evening of stir fry and authentic human affection instead of all that my cell phone can provide.  I had my iPod plugged in and it played all the songs I needed to hear:

I Wish I Was the Moon Tonight

Summer Begs

The Long Ride Home

Let Down

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I could tell you why I needed to hear these songs with a little essay about each one, but basically it was a shitty week where I faced the mortality of my remaining parent who I adore.  I was filled equally with dread for the trials we face and relief that though none of them will be easy, her chances of survival are greater than 50/50.  I was headed to a few moments of peace where I got to take a few minutes away from the constant emotional intensity and replace it with some levity and hope and happiness.  Though we're both equally concerned for my mother, we both know there's nothing we can do tonight.

Because I reminded him of Total Eclipse of the Heart I am being made to listen to Love and Rockets to maintain my Indie cred.

And with the luck of an over cast day I did make it home safely from my eye doctor's appointment.  I'm fortunate it was a nice April day in Texas (yes, in February.)

Valentine's Day Wishes

Pastry will be my downfall.  If I'm sad, frustrated, scared, stressed, choked up or depressed, I turn to pastry.      If I'm happy, thrilled, excited or generally in a good humor, I turn to pastry.  I know this.  I'm in therapy for it.  I've been on a weight loss program and once committed to it stayed away from it for months and months.  Then one day I thought I had some level control over myself.  Nope... nope, I don't, not yet.

Today is Valentine's day and it was a "goodie day" for work.  Everyone brought cup cakes and cookies and I'll be damned if someone didn't bring cookies from my favorite bakery.  The Upper Crust Bakery will undo all attempts you have at maintaining your weight loss.  

A few weeks ago when one of our employees retired my boss brought one of their cakes.  I thought, oh, surely I can have one piece.  Mmhmm... Just give me a dark corner and a fork and I'll take that cake down like a dog on a ham.

Today it was cookies and again... Surely I can have just one cookie and again I'm like a dog on a ham. Luckily there are no more cookies. I'm stuck with my choices and my guilt and thank goodness I have a gym membership.  I should be telling myself ugly things, which that never works but... I think I'll skip that today.

It's Valentine's Day.  I'm in love.  I'm even in like-a-lot.  I mean how great is it that I'm with a man who gives me that authentic human connection?  So today, I'll be happy that I have his love and friendship. I think that's what we're supposed to do on Valentine's day, right?    

I'll see him tomorrow and we'll hug and be happy to see each other like we are every other day.   What's really beautiful is we don't even need a day to remind ourselves to be happy that we have each other.  There is no expectation of gifts or flowers.  There is only the expectation that in my heart I'll be tickled to see him. 

My wish for us is that on July 14th or September 8th or all the other random days of the year we'll feel the same.  I know in time that we will grow accustomed to one another and lose what one friend refers to as "party manners" but we lift each other up and push each other forward.  Even in the morning when our hair is flat and knotted and our teeth are fuzzy he still wants to kiss me.  While I wish my alarm would quit screaming or my cat would stop climbing on my head he's right there next to me, happy that I'm there.  No amount of flowers, chocolate or Upper Crust pastry could make me feel that good. 

Physically pffft...

Whoever came up with the Cybex Arc Trainer is equally brilliant and sadistic.  I have a love - hate relationship with this machine.  I think they should have called it the "Ass Kicker" but some might perceive that as inappropriate.

Let me just say that people who go to the gym don't know it as the Arc Trainer.  They know it as the "Thing that's kind of like a stair stepper" or the "grasshopper" and all agree that it's the hardest machine in the gym.  They agree with my recommendations for a name change.

It is extremely efficient and it burns more calories than the other machines.  Believe me when I say this, you will feel the burn, but here is their language from their website:

Research shows that the Cybex Arc Trainer burns more calories than any other cross trainer or elliptical cross trainer tested. The science behind the Arc Trainer’s big calorie burn is the Arc motion. It engages the right muscles – quads and glutes – that demand lots of energy from the body when they are called upon to work. That means big calorie burn. And ... because the Arc is demanding of the muscles – not the joints, it can be used longer without putting a strain on the knees, hip or back.

Whatever.  It works.  

My only complaint is the machine is stationed, at my gym, in front of the televisions that show Fox News, Telemundo and MTV.  I usually have the tunes cranked so I can run through the obligatory 45 minutes I demand of myself at least 4 times a week.  It's hard though not to read the captions.  So on Fox News I can watch Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity spout lies, throw tantrums or spit venom.  On MTV I can watch Snooki and JWoww be... well, them.  My new favorite trash television is Buckwild which shows rednecks acting like idiots.  It's like the Kentucky version of Jersey Shore.  I live in Texas, I just have to walk outside to see that bullshit.  Finally, there's Telemundo and I don't speak Spanish.  Which one do I watch?  Okay I have to admit MTV has captured some of my attention but of the three I prefer Telemundo.

I asked the gym if the channels could be changed and they said they were fixed.  I'm sure they could be changed, technically, but there are little signs on each television that say what the channel is.  I decided to keep it polite when they suggested I find another machine.  All machines are not created equal.  The Ass Kicker kicks my ass for a reason. 

I have a few new neurotic ticks.  When skinny people try to give me advice on how to eat or exercise I have to suppress the urge to put my foot on his or her throat and explain to them, "Losing 100 pounds required more than your uneducated opinion about me."  I restrain myself because I know their intentions are good.  I really do.  I'm even considering one guy's advice of trying a vegan diet. I might last 12 minutes on it, but it's worth a shot.  Still while he was offering his unsolicited advice I reminded myself why it's wrong to insult people and their mothers.

That is mixed in with my new hatred of magazines at the grocery store that have a picture of a rib-thin skinny celebrity showing off how she lost 30 pounds and went from healthy to damn near anorexic in only 6 weeks with the help of a very expensive personal trainer and personal chef.  I want to shred the magazine with my teeth. The only thing that keeps me from turning to my baser animal instincts is that behavior tends to make others a bit uncomfortable. I might be asked not only to leave but to never come back.  I'm really happy that I've never been to jail.   

I realize there's nothing I can do about pop culture and its ludicrous obsession with being thin.  It damages more than just my self esteem.  I spoke with a girl yesterday who looks dangerously thin.  She said she'd recently gained 40 pounds.  She alluded to the fact that she "just wasn't eating."  She understands the struggle with food.  Her issues are bigger than mine were at 400 pounds.  I may be at risk for the whole host of diseases associated with obesity but she's literally at risk of starving to death because something in her brain makes her not want to eat. 

I wish the best for her.  I wish the best for us all.  And to those of you who think you know what's best, remember your struggles are different from mine.  Don't get upset when I tell you how to quit smoking or stop drinking.  It's fair game if you're going to tell me how to lose weight.