Pinback

Up until Friday night Pinback was one of my new favorite bands. I overcame my issues with crowds and eagerly waited for an hour and a half through what was either an ironically stupid or just plain stupid opening act.  They came on and I was really impressed because they almost sounded like their studio music.  It was pretty obvious they didn't know they needed to warm up their voices. Once they got into their set they quit missing notes and sounded like their studio albums.

About half way through the show I got tired of the people behind me dancing and hitting my back.  My boyfriend moved to shield me from them and the girl wedged herself into his space shoving us both to the side.  She was squealing and thrashing about excitedly and I decided I no longer wanted to be close to this obnoxious young woman.

I am trying to live a life dedicated to non-violence since I've become a volunteer at SafePlace, the local battered women's shelter.  I wanted to throat punch the girl for shoving us out of our spots.  She is the reason I avoid concerts because when I am at home or in my car listening to my music I rarely feel compelled to commit any act of violence.  I also get to listen to their cleaned up, studio sound without weather or stupid, ironically or otherwise, opening acts.

Because my friend texted me that she was at the show we decided to stay. The crowd wasn't so bad where we landed after being unceremoniously shoved out of our spots. I decided it was an opportunity for me and my boyfriend to hold hands and slow dance like we would've in high school.  Considering he makes me feel young again it was perfectly acceptable.

After the show we found my friend and went for coffee.  We agreed their songs sounded a lot alike but the encore was pretty good.  It was a pretty good show.  It was worth the price of admission.

I must add they no longer occupy a spot among my favorites though.  The song I've attached is one of my favorite songs. It is the best example of 75 songs that sound a lot alike.  Perhaps the lyrics are different but the tempo, sound and general feel of the songs are all the same.

Because their songs do mostly sound alike I've removed them from the upper echelons of my favorites.  They remain safely among the bands I am happy to hear though.  That's saying a lot because if Sting and the Indigo Girls knew I'd finally rejected them after many years I'm sure they would be disappointed.

Television, the gym and penises

I do not own a television.

When I got divorced I gave the television to my ex-husband in exchange for my cat.  I find her far more entertaining.

That isn't to say I don't watch television shows.  The Internet is a wonderful thing.  With Netflix and iTunes and Hulu I am able to stay up to date on all my favorite shows.  What I don't get are the ads or the bulk of senseless crap they're putting on television.  I spent hours in front of my television watching America's Next Top Model and Friends re-runs.  I also played Rockband on my Wii and that was a lot of fun.  I'd consider buying another television if it would come with a Wii and two self-sustaining teenagers to play with me.

For some reason we, as a nation, care about the Kardashians, probably more than the Obamas.  Ask a thousand people their thoughts on sequestration and ask the same group about Snooki's baby and I'm fairly certain you'll get more information about the baby.  As I've stated in at least one earlier post, my choices at the gym are MTV, Fox News or Telemundo and I don't speak Spanish.  I understand Stupid enough to know I should reconsider what machines I use.

Yesterday I was donating platelets which takes a few hours and I was subjected to what the staff wanted to watch.  It wasn't so bad.  They were watching Tron which I hadn't seen and didn't want to see bad enough to quit listening to my music.  Then came a commercial for my favorite hummus.  That's when I felt like an idiot.

Whenever discussing hummus, I've asked people if they've heard of that brand and they always say yes.  I don't think it's as bad as saying, "Have you heard of these things called 'Fritos' or 'Dr. Pepper' or 'apples'?"  I suppose it just made me feel a little daft.

I realize today all this does is make me seem a little disconnected from the rest of society which isn't so bad.  I'm neither one of those people who only watches wrestling in the neighboring trailer nor am I one of those people who only reads physics periodicals.  I listen to NPR when I feel I'm not informed enough and I read a lot.  I also use Facebook.

Saying I depend some on social networking may make me sound like fall into the trailer park category, so let me be clear, it does not mean I depend on the captioned pictures of kittens for my news.  It means I find some fairly interesting articles on random topics and I am entertained by them.

I found this gem a few days ago on Facebook: Interesting penis facts.  Now you too can be an expert on penises because you read an article about it on the internet.

Know the way home

The other day I had to have my eyes dilated and I warned my friends to avoid MoPac and Duval around 3pm that afternoon.  I got a few, "What?! You're driving?"
My response was, "Why? The car knows the way home."

It's been a really rough week.  My mom was diagnosed with cancer and we've been playing those games.  There was the meet and greet with the doctors who told us to wait.  Then there was the waiting.  There was a little crying and a lot of anxiety and thank goodness for the emotional duct tape Klonapin.  It's good for what ails you when you're in the midst of a nightmare such as this.

Finally yesterday we found out that while it is bad, it is not as bad as we thought.  It appears to be treatable. So yesterday evening I got home about 8pm and fell asleep.  I woke up at 2am, peeled my cat off my head, kicked my shoes off and went back to sleep.  I woke up at 6am still exhausted but a little more relieved than I had been the previous day.

This evening I was driving to my boyfriend's for an evening of stir fry and authentic human affection instead of all that my cell phone can provide.  I had my iPod plugged in and it played all the songs I needed to hear:

I Wish I Was the Moon Tonight

Summer Begs

The Long Ride Home

Let Down

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I could tell you why I needed to hear these songs with a little essay about each one, but basically it was a shitty week where I faced the mortality of my remaining parent who I adore.  I was filled equally with dread for the trials we face and relief that though none of them will be easy, her chances of survival are greater than 50/50.  I was headed to a few moments of peace where I got to take a few minutes away from the constant emotional intensity and replace it with some levity and hope and happiness.  Though we're both equally concerned for my mother, we both know there's nothing we can do tonight.

Because I reminded him of Total Eclipse of the Heart I am being made to listen to Love and Rockets to maintain my Indie cred.

And with the luck of an over cast day I did make it home safely from my eye doctor's appointment.  I'm fortunate it was a nice April day in Texas (yes, in February.)

Valentine's Day Wishes

Pastry will be my downfall.  If I'm sad, frustrated, scared, stressed, choked up or depressed, I turn to pastry.      If I'm happy, thrilled, excited or generally in a good humor, I turn to pastry.  I know this.  I'm in therapy for it.  I've been on a weight loss program and once committed to it stayed away from it for months and months.  Then one day I thought I had some level control over myself.  Nope... nope, I don't, not yet.

Today is Valentine's day and it was a "goodie day" for work.  Everyone brought cup cakes and cookies and I'll be damned if someone didn't bring cookies from my favorite bakery.  The Upper Crust Bakery will undo all attempts you have at maintaining your weight loss.  

A few weeks ago when one of our employees retired my boss brought one of their cakes.  I thought, oh, surely I can have one piece.  Mmhmm... Just give me a dark corner and a fork and I'll take that cake down like a dog on a ham.

Today it was cookies and again... Surely I can have just one cookie and again I'm like a dog on a ham. Luckily there are no more cookies. I'm stuck with my choices and my guilt and thank goodness I have a gym membership.  I should be telling myself ugly things, which that never works but... I think I'll skip that today.

It's Valentine's Day.  I'm in love.  I'm even in like-a-lot.  I mean how great is it that I'm with a man who gives me that authentic human connection?  So today, I'll be happy that I have his love and friendship. I think that's what we're supposed to do on Valentine's day, right?    

I'll see him tomorrow and we'll hug and be happy to see each other like we are every other day.   What's really beautiful is we don't even need a day to remind ourselves to be happy that we have each other.  There is no expectation of gifts or flowers.  There is only the expectation that in my heart I'll be tickled to see him. 

My wish for us is that on July 14th or September 8th or all the other random days of the year we'll feel the same.  I know in time that we will grow accustomed to one another and lose what one friend refers to as "party manners" but we lift each other up and push each other forward.  Even in the morning when our hair is flat and knotted and our teeth are fuzzy he still wants to kiss me.  While I wish my alarm would quit screaming or my cat would stop climbing on my head he's right there next to me, happy that I'm there.  No amount of flowers, chocolate or Upper Crust pastry could make me feel that good. 

Physically pffft...

Whoever came up with the Cybex Arc Trainer is equally brilliant and sadistic.  I have a love - hate relationship with this machine.  I think they should have called it the "Ass Kicker" but some might perceive that as inappropriate.

Let me just say that people who go to the gym don't know it as the Arc Trainer.  They know it as the "Thing that's kind of like a stair stepper" or the "grasshopper" and all agree that it's the hardest machine in the gym.  They agree with my recommendations for a name change.

It is extremely efficient and it burns more calories than the other machines.  Believe me when I say this, you will feel the burn, but here is their language from their website:

Research shows that the Cybex Arc Trainer burns more calories than any other cross trainer or elliptical cross trainer tested. The science behind the Arc Trainer’s big calorie burn is the Arc motion. It engages the right muscles – quads and glutes – that demand lots of energy from the body when they are called upon to work. That means big calorie burn. And ... because the Arc is demanding of the muscles – not the joints, it can be used longer without putting a strain on the knees, hip or back.

Whatever.  It works.  

My only complaint is the machine is stationed, at my gym, in front of the televisions that show Fox News, Telemundo and MTV.  I usually have the tunes cranked so I can run through the obligatory 45 minutes I demand of myself at least 4 times a week.  It's hard though not to read the captions.  So on Fox News I can watch Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity spout lies, throw tantrums or spit venom.  On MTV I can watch Snooki and JWoww be... well, them.  My new favorite trash television is Buckwild which shows rednecks acting like idiots.  It's like the Kentucky version of Jersey Shore.  I live in Texas, I just have to walk outside to see that bullshit.  Finally, there's Telemundo and I don't speak Spanish.  Which one do I watch?  Okay I have to admit MTV has captured some of my attention but of the three I prefer Telemundo.

I asked the gym if the channels could be changed and they said they were fixed.  I'm sure they could be changed, technically, but there are little signs on each television that say what the channel is.  I decided to keep it polite when they suggested I find another machine.  All machines are not created equal.  The Ass Kicker kicks my ass for a reason. 

I have a few new neurotic ticks.  When skinny people try to give me advice on how to eat or exercise I have to suppress the urge to put my foot on his or her throat and explain to them, "Losing 100 pounds required more than your uneducated opinion about me."  I restrain myself because I know their intentions are good.  I really do.  I'm even considering one guy's advice of trying a vegan diet. I might last 12 minutes on it, but it's worth a shot.  Still while he was offering his unsolicited advice I reminded myself why it's wrong to insult people and their mothers.

That is mixed in with my new hatred of magazines at the grocery store that have a picture of a rib-thin skinny celebrity showing off how she lost 30 pounds and went from healthy to damn near anorexic in only 6 weeks with the help of a very expensive personal trainer and personal chef.  I want to shred the magazine with my teeth. The only thing that keeps me from turning to my baser animal instincts is that behavior tends to make others a bit uncomfortable. I might be asked not only to leave but to never come back.  I'm really happy that I've never been to jail.   

I realize there's nothing I can do about pop culture and its ludicrous obsession with being thin.  It damages more than just my self esteem.  I spoke with a girl yesterday who looks dangerously thin.  She said she'd recently gained 40 pounds.  She alluded to the fact that she "just wasn't eating."  She understands the struggle with food.  Her issues are bigger than mine were at 400 pounds.  I may be at risk for the whole host of diseases associated with obesity but she's literally at risk of starving to death because something in her brain makes her not want to eat. 

I wish the best for her.  I wish the best for us all.  And to those of you who think you know what's best, remember your struggles are different from mine.  Don't get upset when I tell you how to quit smoking or stop drinking.  It's fair game if you're going to tell me how to lose weight.  

Come to the Sane Side

"Religion is hijacking people's spirituality for political purposes."

~ Robyn Hitchcock

Robyn Hitchcock may have taken too much LSD over the course of his nearly 60 years but he is relatively sane.  He has some unique opinions about religion and politics and I agree with this one.

The Religious Right has been lured by the Republican party for the last 30 years.  From the pulpit the majority of evangelical Christians were encouraged to vote for the Republican Party.  Christianity in America became a political statement.

In exchange the Republican Party gained an electorate that failed to notice the impact of the secular elements of the Republican agenda. Economists have declared trickle-down economics a failure, bank deregulation led to the Great Recession and Colin Powell admitted the evidence he presented to the UN when making the case for going to war in Iraq was false.  All of these issues cost tax payers trillions of dollars. Because the Republicans are pro-life, pro-gun and pro-God, the righteous right either didn't notice or didn't care.

In 2009, after President Obama was elected the Tea Party was formed as a segment of the Republican party.  In my opinion most Tea Party fundamentalists are voluntarily ignorant and guided by the principals written in the Bible; a book written by people who had auditory and visual hallucinations.  Those same people would be heavily medicated or committed in a hospital today.

The Republicans have gerrymandered the districts so Tea Party radicals can be elected, influence legislation and given a platform to throw their tantrums.  If they are unable to enact their legislation they are able to prevent legislation they do not want.  Any consequences are then blamed on President Obama's inability to lead them.

This electorate votes on same-sex marriage, abortion, Intelligent Design and gun control.  Fiscal conservatives surrounded themselves by a highly combustible, under-educated constituency who will push the secular issues right along with their passionate need to perpetuate Christianity and their limited world view.  

Do they understand the basics of taxes enough to know if or how they are impacted?  Do they understand if corporations pay less taxes it isn't their Earned Income Tax Credit that is affected?  It's their child's education or their grandmother's healthcare or the farm subsidies that keep food affordable.

So, what do we do to stop the madness?

What I see now is a shift in the Republican Party.  There are the evangelicals holding hands with the rich.  Then there are these poor moderate Republicans who have WTF expressions any time a loud mouth Tea Party representative says something that causes Rachel Maddow to fizz out.  Jeb Bush said the Republicans have crossed the line into crazy.  Okay I'm paraphrasing, but still, he thinks they've gone way too far to the right.

To those of you who voted Republican and wonder what the hell happened, it isn't too late.  Politics have shifted.  The nuts have taken your party over.  We will respect and accept you the way you are.  Why don't you come and play with us for a while?  

Social Rules of Engagement

Last week I spent a few days with a very nice, very Christian couple.  They really are very nice people who had no intention of offending me.  I was invited to pray with them during our first meeting and I immediately got defensive. I was very anxious the rest of the week during my interaction with them so I took a pill each time.  I decided I really need to think of how I want to be around people.

Social Rule of Engagement # 1: Whenever possible be polite.

I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl.  They made us take a personality test at work to see how we can get along with everyone. I tested with my conscious and sub-conscious markers in exactly the same spot.  If I like you, you'll know it.  If I don't like you, you'll know it.  You'll know what kind of hand I have in poker too.  I have spent years learning to temper my expressions and people still always say sarcastically, "Tell me how you really feel" or my favorite, "Did you really just say that?"

Social Rule of Engagement # 2: Know when to shut up.

For real.  If you've aggravated someone it's always better to agree to disagree.  Do not try to justify yourself or press the issue further.  If you want to continue this relationship learn to recognize their displeasure and ease yourself out of the hostility.  Unless it involves the safety of you or a loved one it isn't important enough to trash a relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 3: If someone causes you to take a pill every time you see them, rid yourself of that presence.

We shouldn't have to spend time with people who compel us to take medicine.  Those who do not have pills frequently violate rule number one.  I know.  My ass has been shown more times than I care to admit.  That's why I have pills.

The only exception to the rule is the dentist.  You should continue to see the dentist for regular cleanings and check-ups.  My dentist said once, "Everyone should have a good time when they come to see me. Use the nitrous, sit back, relax. It'll be fun."  I like my dentist a lot more when my mouth doesn't hurt.  Routine visits that include nitrous have improved our relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 4: Never discuss religion with anyone. Ever.

So one of my biggest points of anxiety is religion.  I HATE discussing it with people.  I don't want to make any one angry.  I don't want to get angry.  Politics are adjacent to this category.  If you insist, be prepared for some hostility and refer back to Rule # 2 and Rule # 6.


Social Rule of Engagement # 5: Stand up for yourself.

If someone offends you, tell them.  Do it politely and do it directly.  I guarantee 100% of the time I will respect your wishes.  Don't hold it in, retaliate or give the silent treatment either.  I don't want to continue to offend you, get offended myself or wonder what the hell I did to piss you off.  I'm too old to play games.


Social Rule of Engagement # 6: Time dilutes rage.

If someone says or does something that makes you angry, ask for time to get it out of your system.  I usually follow these instructions:

1. Go to the car.  
2. Find the song that makes me scream the loudest.  
3. HOWL along with that song at the top of my lungs until it hurts to breathe.  
4. Return and address the situation.

If someone is angry with you, ask for time to permit them to cool off.  You might still go to your car and howl along with a song or two but that's just for giggles.  If I sense someone is angry with me, I refer to Rule # 2 and give them the time I would need if I was about to spit fire and venom.

These are just the rules I came up with while I was at my dentist's office this afternoon.  For the record, I do not always follow them.   I do know that if I did I would have shown my ass less, burned fewer bridges and taken fewer pills.  They're simple enough to talk about but in practice you have to be committed and secure enough in yourself to really follow through.  If you find you're not, modern chemistry has made a better life for many.

I will leave you with a quote my boss shared with me:

If you cannot be a good example, be a horrible warning.