Social Rules of Engagement

Last week I spent a few days with a very nice, very Christian couple.  They really are very nice people who had no intention of offending me.  I was invited to pray with them during our first meeting and I immediately got defensive. I was very anxious the rest of the week during my interaction with them so I took a pill each time.  I decided I really need to think of how I want to be around people.

Social Rule of Engagement # 1: Whenever possible be polite.

I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of girl.  They made us take a personality test at work to see how we can get along with everyone. I tested with my conscious and sub-conscious markers in exactly the same spot.  If I like you, you'll know it.  If I don't like you, you'll know it.  You'll know what kind of hand I have in poker too.  I have spent years learning to temper my expressions and people still always say sarcastically, "Tell me how you really feel" or my favorite, "Did you really just say that?"

Social Rule of Engagement # 2: Know when to shut up.

For real.  If you've aggravated someone it's always better to agree to disagree.  Do not try to justify yourself or press the issue further.  If you want to continue this relationship learn to recognize their displeasure and ease yourself out of the hostility.  Unless it involves the safety of you or a loved one it isn't important enough to trash a relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 3: If someone causes you to take a pill every time you see them, rid yourself of that presence.

We shouldn't have to spend time with people who compel us to take medicine.  Those who do not have pills frequently violate rule number one.  I know.  My ass has been shown more times than I care to admit.  That's why I have pills.

The only exception to the rule is the dentist.  You should continue to see the dentist for regular cleanings and check-ups.  My dentist said once, "Everyone should have a good time when they come to see me. Use the nitrous, sit back, relax. It'll be fun."  I like my dentist a lot more when my mouth doesn't hurt.  Routine visits that include nitrous have improved our relationship.

Social Rule of Engagement # 4: Never discuss religion with anyone. Ever.

So one of my biggest points of anxiety is religion.  I HATE discussing it with people.  I don't want to make any one angry.  I don't want to get angry.  Politics are adjacent to this category.  If you insist, be prepared for some hostility and refer back to Rule # 2 and Rule # 6.


Social Rule of Engagement # 5: Stand up for yourself.

If someone offends you, tell them.  Do it politely and do it directly.  I guarantee 100% of the time I will respect your wishes.  Don't hold it in, retaliate or give the silent treatment either.  I don't want to continue to offend you, get offended myself or wonder what the hell I did to piss you off.  I'm too old to play games.


Social Rule of Engagement # 6: Time dilutes rage.

If someone says or does something that makes you angry, ask for time to get it out of your system.  I usually follow these instructions:

1. Go to the car.  
2. Find the song that makes me scream the loudest.  
3. HOWL along with that song at the top of my lungs until it hurts to breathe.  
4. Return and address the situation.

If someone is angry with you, ask for time to permit them to cool off.  You might still go to your car and howl along with a song or two but that's just for giggles.  If I sense someone is angry with me, I refer to Rule # 2 and give them the time I would need if I was about to spit fire and venom.

These are just the rules I came up with while I was at my dentist's office this afternoon.  For the record, I do not always follow them.   I do know that if I did I would have shown my ass less, burned fewer bridges and taken fewer pills.  They're simple enough to talk about but in practice you have to be committed and secure enough in yourself to really follow through.  If you find you're not, modern chemistry has made a better life for many.

I will leave you with a quote my boss shared with me:

If you cannot be a good example, be a horrible warning.

Those Silly Mayans

So far, I bet a lot of people are either disappointed or relieved the world hasn't ended yet.  Now it is 12:20 PM CST so I may be wrong.  I've still got a few hours to go before the day will officially be over, but I'm pretty sure we're clear.  CBS agrees.

Just in case I did get a text from my best friend:

If the world ends today, thanks for being my friend and co-conspirator. I love you.

Now that's just what awesome friends do.  It makes me feel inclined to send a mass text to all my friends but it's just a feeling and it will pass.

I'm pretty sure the day will go on as usual.

In light of recent events and the holidays and the fact accounting is not a trait that is shared genetically from mother to daughter, I fizzed out yesterday.  I'm glad my boss didn't see it because that would've been embarrassing.  I mean my job doesn't really require a lot of accounting but when it does, it really does.  I can do algebra so I'm pretty sure given some time I can figure out accounting, but yesterday, time was the variable I was lacking.  I fizzled, popped and ate a burrito because burritos always make me feel better.

My mom said I'm being mean lately and after telling her to get out of the car I went and bought a mattress.  Sleeping on an air mattress was a great idea in theory, but in practice, it's awful. I know a new mattress set is a risk since bed bugs are notoriously difficult to get rid of but I bought protectors and duck tape.  The mattress will be delivered some time on Saturday so I anticipate a nap and a good night's sleep.  My mom can rest easy and know I will resume my normal mood swing variations soon.  I'm sarcastic, all the time and bossy some of the time, but rarely am I ever mean.

After all of that is said this morning I saw an awful accident that made me realize how lucky I am that all I've had to do is deal with some pesky bugs.  My friend told me these kinds of things drive people nuts, but let's really look at it.  I'm inconvenienced by this.  I am healthy, for the most part and I have everything I need to function. I may breathe fire occasionally when the stress gets too much, but at least I don't have to worry about whether I'll be able to walk again.

In the spirit of doomsday my boyfriend wrote a tribute to Armageddon and the songs written about it.  Here is his blog.  Check it out.

...And Bite They Will, Part 2 and a half

The pest control specialist came out yesterday and he seems to think we can lick the problem with one treatment. I didn't see any bugs last night.  Believe me when I say I would've noticed.  I'm on an air mattress and I feel everything.  I have forsaken sleep in an effort to keep my vigil. This is not voluntary but I woke up at 4am this morning.  I hate mornings, but on the bright side I have plenty of time to sit back, drink a few cups of coffee and get so ramped up on caffeine I'll do the river dance.

On a lighter note, I got a promotion so maybe things are looking up.

... And Bite They Will, Part 2

I had to go on line and find me something happy to look at because I was in such distress over this.  I found this nugget of joy:

There, that's better.

So if you've signed a bed bug addendum with your lease, you are responsible for the cost of the bed bug remediation.  We're still finding out if the renters' insurance will cover it.  It is likely they won't and we'll have to replace all our stuff at our own expense.

The manager of our apartments was immediately defensive when I told her I would be doing the prep work this weekend.  She said I couldn't do it until it was scheduled.  I told her the bug guy said we wouldn't be scheduled until we had done the prep work.  Then she talked to me like I was an idiot.

I hate it when people talk to me like I am an idiot.  I hate it more when said person has control over me.  I contained myself and simply let her tell me what to do.  I refrained from telling her my impressions.  My mother, on the other hand, did not.

This complex is supposed to be a nice complex.  I pay a lot of money to live there.  I think I should at least be given some respect by the staff who manage it.  All is nice enough until things do not go their way.  They are perfectly content to label us as a problem and treat us poorly because we do not fit nicely into their "luxury apartments" scheme.

My mom went in there to deal with them and she was told to leave.  When she said the manager couldn't kick her out of her office, the manager threatened her with eviction.  Well, that's just plain bad customer service.

In short, we're fucked.  We have to use their pest control specialist.  We have to pay their fees to protect their property from a problem they may have caused. No options will be offered.  We can't just leave.  If we do, we will take the bugs with us.  If we stay we will have to live with the bugs.  We have no control over the situation.

Important lessons learned:

1 - Your apartment complex controls you.  When I was younger I complained about riding the bus and my friend told me, "If you want your own seat you need to own your seat."  Even if this was at my house it would suck, but it would suck on my terms.

2 - Regardless of the truth in the statement, telling a woman she is worth little more than breeding stock is never a good idea.  Mom was lucky it only lead to a threat of eviction and not a knock-down, drag-out fight.

3 - Find out some way to sleep with it.  I've slept very little this week. Everyone can tell.

4 - Stop researching on the internet. You've found out everything you will at that point.  If you have not called a professional, you're wasting valuable time.  Pick up the phone.

5 - Losing your temper in these situations never helps.  All you do is show your ass and reveal all the cards you are supposed to hold close to your vest.

6 - Our complex has a citywide, good reputation.  I tell people where I live and they've all heard of it, know where it is and know it's a good complex.  A single star review given by an angry resident is not sufficient to do much damage.  I typically take single star reviews as little more than a temper tantrum thrown by an irrational person.  I know that personally, when I have given a single star review it was because I was foaming at the mouth. Now, if a local reporter has offered to help you there might be something you can do.  I happen to be dating a local reporter who has been very helpful this week. All the effort he has put into cleaning my place has made him very eager to offer his services should this all go south(er).

Stay tuned.

... And Bite They Will, Part 1

As an Atheist I've never said "Jesus Christ" so much as I did the night I discovered a colony of bed bugs in my apartment.  After losing a hundred pounds I ate my first pancake in 11 months.  Tonight I had my final comfort meal.  Apparently there's some parable about a guy who is excused to work on the Sabbath because his ox falls in a ditch and I texted my boyfriend through a giant bite of glazed donut that my ox fell off the cliff.

Tonight my friend texted me and asked me if I was okay.  I said, "Not really, but I'm being an adult about it."   Well it's time to put on the big girl panties and act like an adult.  Not many properly adjusted adults drown their sorrows in maple syrup.

If this happens, you will experience a few emotional extremes.

Denial is the first emotion.  Agreeably this is up there with fire, prison and job loss.  No one wants this.  These guys do not discriminate.

Acceptance, shortly followed by panic, comes next.  I will tell you one very important thing, crying doesn't help.  Work through this phase quickly because you don't have that kind of time.  You have to act quickly and decisively.

Reconciliation is next and that's where I've stopped.  I accept that I will likely lose everything I own that cannot be sterilized.  To be honest, I don't want it anymore.

That morning after, my boyfriend and I went to breakfast and had pancakes.  I was fizzing out and he could see me in a tailspin.  He told me about a friend of his who had to do a big project about birds when he was in school.  He waited until the last minute and he was worrying about it.  It was one of those situations where the anxiety had replaced the need to complete the task.  His dad sat down and helped him and said, "Okay, we can do this.  We'll do it one bird at a time."  When Charles was at work, worried he wouldn't get the paper out, his friend would tell him, "One bird at a time."

So sit down and make a list.  Identify your birds.

Day 1:  Read this article: Bed Bug FAQ
Throw out everything you can bear to part with. If there are signs of the bugs on anything, get over it.  Throw it out.  When in doubt, throw it out. Wash every stitch of fabric you own.  You can get a mattress en-caser and pull out the saran wrap but I did those things and I've still got bugs.  They're simply stop-gap measures.  Vacuum everything but throw the bag out immediately. Clean what you can within a 10 ft radius of the point of discovery.  Look throughout the house and identify any hot spots.  Clean those areas too.  You'll get your workout.

Day 2:  If you have pets, bathe them.  Do it.  You don't want to bathe your cat?  Tough.  I was surprised I didn't go to the emergency room missing an eye and a finger. Find your lease and insurance policies.  You may be responsible for all of this.  If you rent, don't accept blame.  No one knows where these guys come from.  Don't resume denying this.  You do not have time.  Vacuum again.

Day 3:  That's as far as I've gotten.

There is a lot of good information on the web.  I have found a few common themes:

1 - Do not run.  These guys do not carry disease.  They're just hungry parasites and they're irritating as all hell but they will follow you.  Stay in your room.  Continue to sleep in your bed.  If they follow you to the couch you've just contaminated the entire house.

2 - They do not like heat.  I have decided to put everything I intend to wear for the day into the dryer prior to wearing it to avoid any hitchhikers.  Be conscientious about spreading these guys.  You don't want to piss off your friends.  It's up to you whether you're going to tell them, but be careful because they can hitch a ride anywhere.

3 - Do not use pesticide yourself.  Rid yourself of the notion you have the necessary skills to remove them.  One can of raid doesn't work and neither do eight.  Let the pros handle this.  If a professional says they should fumigate or use a bug bomb, get another professional.  This has to be done right.  One friend of mine told me the only thing that works is heat...

There is nothing easy about any of this, but it's happened thousands of times in your community and mine.  These guys are making a come back because we don't want to spray city-wide pesticides anymore.  It's a risk we take.  Just remember, you'll get through this.  I keep telling myself that at least.

I'll keep you posted about my progress.

Nature Should Happen to Other People

Perhaps in the personal ad I placed I should have declined to expose myself to nature.  I think my words were something to the effect of, "I'm not into doing things outside, but I'm willing to learn."  The guy who won the craigslist, Charles, likes to do things outside.  In order to avoid false advertising I have to at least try it, right?

A little history:

I go from pasty to fuchsia in about 15 minutes.  I have suffered from horrible sunburns that scarred, left me sick for days and inspired my parents to treat the environment better in order to preserve the ozone layer.   Yes, there has been more than one because in my youth there was no such thing as water proof sunblock.  As an adult I have endured two major sun burns, both more severe than any I had as a child.  The side effect of one of the medicines I take is, "may increase skin sensitivity to the sun."  Well, thanks there ya stupid drug manufacturer.

In short, I do my absolute best to stay out of the day, seeing as it is all bright and spiky and such.  Charles insisted though, brought 80 SPF sunblock and a cooler for a picnic so I acquiesced.

Now, I have been in nature several times times and each time for longer than the time before.  We have gone to Pedernales Falls State Park, Emma Long City Park and Mt. Bonnell.  There were other places but I didn't always get pictures.  From Mt. Bonnell you can see how the 1% live.

Okay, I must confess.  I kinda had fun.  Charles's father was apparently into nature and he knew all the plants in the areas where Charles grew up.  So Charles pointed things out to me and I listened.  I don't know how well I listened because I was busy trying not to hate it.  As time goes on I think I retain more of the things he tells me. I don't know what these flowers are called, but they're pretty.

Apparently normal people go outside to see pretty things, like flowers, so that leads me to believe that especially in the spring I might be more inclined to think happy thoughts about going outside.

What do I enjoy most?  Well I enjoy the time I get to spend with Charles.  As long as we're together and I still like him and I stay relatively burn-less I am willing to go and do nature with him.  If any of those things change, back to the safety of the tame indoors I go.  For the record though, there will be NO camping.  Ever.  Charles, if you're reading this, we can afford a hotel.

Now, one of my new favorite subjects is this guy:

And with that, my loyal fan(s), I leave you with the sincere intent to write more often.  I encourage you to get outside and enjoy some nature.  I encourage you more to get a funny cat, give it a ridiculous name and inundate the internet with its pictures so I can laugh.

Just plain weird... and fun.

So on Friday night, I went with my boyfriend to a concert in Bastrop, TX. The band is called the Chubby Knuckle Choir.  No, I'm not kidding.  Yes, make all your redneck jokes.  Go ahead.  They're a really good band.  For real.  Just look at them.  How could a band this diverse not be a good, good band?

Several weeks ago I went to lunch with a guy who had a very distinctive posture and he too lived in the bustling metropolis of Bastrop.  There was a man there with a similar posture.  I realized they were the same person.  I confessed to my boyfriend, "Look, I went out to lunch with that guy.  He may stop by and say something."  They are apparently acquaintances. "You went out with him? Really? He's married."  I was tasked with updating him.

Now let me back up a bit.  I don't have this sordid history to be ashamed of.  I met them both via a personal ad and we went out.  Charles just happened to be far more appealing and he made me blush.  There's a certain appeal to being gently nudged outside your comfort zone.  The other guy was nice.  We were able to fill 45 minutes with conversation and he bought me lunch.  That was it.

Charles is a cheap date.  Two glasses of wine and he's giddy.  A direct quote is, "I'm a guy.  If it was funny in seventh grade, it's funny now."  He lives by this.  So I spent most of the night laughing and shaking my head as he giggled about "winning the Internet."

Finally the former date came to my table.  He said, "Do I know you?"  I nodded.  "Melissa, right?"  Yes.  He looked to Charles and Charles re-introduced himself and then, "Are you two together?" Collective nod.  "Oh, wow Man, congratulations.  This is a wonderful woman."  Then there were the usual platitudes and "oh it was just lunch," and "no hard feelings?" None.  Okay, good to see you, bye now.  Then he said, "Wow this is awkward." and I said, "Everything's fine."

When he left it was suggested, by Charles, to my surprise that my former date perceived the lunch we had as more than "just lunch."  What?... I felt terrible for a few minutes.  I worked through it pretty quickly.  

Let me be clear about one thing.  The former date made no attempt to contact me after the date so I just assumed he felt the same.  There was no chemistry.  He may have felt it, but I didn't and it's pretty hard to fake it.

Now, this next part is conjecture.  This conversation took place during the band's break.  One of the band members came to talk to is.  Charles and I were fond of each other.  He licked the hummus bowl and we agreed he was a cheap date.

I noticed the former date hadn't returned to his table.  There was a woman I presume was his date because she looked uncomfortable.  His phone was still on the table.  His liquor was still on the table.  His cooler was still next to the table.  Everyone at the table left about an hour later, leaving his things behind.  "I wonder where he went," was mentioned by one of us.

I can't help but wonder if he left because of me.  I don't take any responsibility for his angst or discomfort.  It was explained later that sometimes guys do this.  They make up this story in their minds about a woman and when it is destroyed it's devastating.  I can't imagine though that I would have that effect on anyone.

I can relate of course because I have been in a similar emotional scenario, but after lunch or coffee if I really felt a connection, the first few days would be rough.  After, I'd be fine.  If I did have that effect on him, it was several weeks later.  It's time to let go.

So, Charles and I spent the rest of the evening enjoying the band.  He told me about the band's history and the bass player's birthday.  He explained his relationship with Rory, the bongo and washboard player.  He's also an excellent singer.  He introduced me to Rory's wife and she is lovely.  All in all I had a really great evening and yet another interesting story to relate about my time with Charles.

To the lunch date, if you've discovered this blog, I wish you well.