Love and Support

A whole year has passed since I wrote in my blog. Wow, sorry about that. The first part of the year I have no excuse. I was simply distracted. The second part of the year was different. There was more going on personally, especially from September forward.

We had a cancer scare.

We were at the Emergency Room for a separate issue and at 2am the doctor tells us, "Oh and you have a mass in your abdomen you might want to get checked out. It could be nothing. It could be cancer. We'll get you out of here soon."

Well shit... I had to spend a few minute reminding myself of all I have.

Charles and I are a team. Though he was the one who had the mass, we supported each other. We loved each other. When he was scared, he held me. When I was scared, I held him. After a few thousand dollars, a brief scare that he'd lose his new job, the psychological impact of facing his mortality and finally the relief of knowing it really wasn't anything, we made it. We made it together.

My best friend of all time, forever and ever, meets me for coffee most Sundays at 7:30am. I used to work with her from 1996 to 2006. After I quit the job, I realized if we didn't do coffee on Sunday mornings we'd lose touch. I'm always hesitant to text her or call her because she works and sleeps abnormal hours. I rely on Sundays for our communication. It's more intimate than text messages and phone calls. We love each other and always will.

I have my mom. She loves me unconditionally, no matter what I do. She loves me and Charles together as a couple. She loves that he makes me happy. She was scared that something would happen that could end that happiness. She held my hand while we worked through it together.

I decided to return to a therapist I'd seen in the past. I adore her. She's delightful. She's kind and funny and she seems to genuinely care for me and my life. I decided that even though we've passed through the crisis successfully I'd see her once a month to do a wellness check. If I need more she's available.

Today I love Charles more than anything in this world. I love him more than food. I love him more than music. I love him more than I love everyone else in this world combined. He makes my past easier to reconcile. He makes my future bright. He gives me a safe place to focus on improving myself. Today, two days shy of our second wedding anniversary, I am more in love than I ever have been.

We've survived our first real challenge and we did so beautifully. I know in my bones, more than ever, that he loves me and I love him. I found what most people search their whole lives for. I am grateful every day for everything I have and everyone in my life.

Sorry it has been so long. I hope to write more, sooner and more frequently. I just need to quit getting distracted. At least it's a happy distraction.

Happy New Year!

Old Friends and New

I had these friends several years ago. We were a group of five. We all worked together. Then I got promoted and my role in the group ended.

I know why. I went from being their equal to being their boss. They were all hopeful I would improve the department. There were things they didn't know though. There were things I didn't know.

The group rejected me. OH BOY did that hurt. I lost all these friends over the course of a few weeks. Two of them retired and one of them left the department. The one who remained was difficult.

A young lady we all worked with died last week. She was sick the entire time I knew her. We worked together for seven years. We weren't friends but we got along well enough. I really wanted to go to her funeral because we did have a relationship. We were respectful of one another.

I knew all or part of this group would be there and I was filled with anxiety. My friend told me we were going. She would hold my hand if necessary but we were going. She jokes, "Melissa, I love you so much I'd let you wear my shoes." We're close. We've walked side by side for a long time.

Only one of them was there. He had retired and when his wife left the department he sent me a message on Facebook to let me know how disappointed he was in me. I was going through a really troubling time and I really needed my friends to support me. I had already been rejected by them and then he threw that on it. I was furious.

I deleted their phone numbers. I blocked them on Facebook. I carried on with my job. I carried on with my life.

I saw one of the women in the group about a year ago when our former boss retired. I was upset about seeing her for days. When all this went down, she rejected me the coldest way by telling me, "I understand that we have to talk at work but I don't want to talk to you in public."

At the funeral, I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want him to be there. My brain was being flooded with anxiety. But I handled it. I went through the mass and did all the things to be respectful of my former coworker.

We were at the back of the church. The way the funeral happened we were going to be the last to be let out so I just waited while they all walked past me. Several of my former coworkers were walking past and they hugged me. He was in line behind them and he hugged me too. I didn't know what else to do other than hug him back. We didn't say anything. He kept moving.

At first I was a little aggravated. Then later last night I was thinking about it and I kind of went back through the things I knew about his personality. He was generally calm and friendly and peaceful. He thought I was too high strung and would tell me things like I needed to go watch a tree grow. I'd just roll my eyes and laugh it off.

Suddenly I realized what he was saying by hugging me... "Let it go."

Okay maybe he was just following the trend of the people that preceded him, but that's what I felt. It's time to let it go. I forgive him. I forgive them. That was years ago. I'm happy now. It's like the taint of that pain was creating this huge burden of anxiety that I was forced to carry. They don't care. I have only been hurting myself.

Today I have friends I love. All my friends are different and wonderful. Some I work with. Some I work near and others I see when I can. I have friends who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. They're the ones I want to keep near me. I've surrounded myself with people who lift me up and guide me to make myself a better person. I can only hope I do the same for them.

I haven't cleared myself of all my pain or angst but as time goes on I feel pieces of my history start to heal. This was a big one.

Los Angeles

We went to LA last week and had a pretty good time hanging out with my brother and his partner.

It was mostly good.

I've never been close to my brother. He's 21 years older than me and had a life when I was born. He continued his life without me and finally said, after 39 years, that I should come and visit him. I was really nervous. I considered canceling the trip. I didn't know what to expect but I knew I had something to gain. What if I walked away with a brother out of this? I know he's always been my brother but what if?... What if I could gain that feeling of family?

It all started at the airport. He was listening to Frank Sinatra and Charles said, "I don't really like jazz, but I do like this." I think my brother heard, "I love jazz." That's what we listened to the entire time we were in the car. We were in the car a lot. I was able to tune it out. Charles didn't want to say anything because he was being polite. Perhaps I should have asked if we could listen to something else, but I didn't.

On the way home we nearly missed our exit so my brother cut across two lanes of traffic without signaling and nearly hit the barricade. That's pretty much how he drives all the time. He drove us around a lot. There were rapid un-signaled lane changes, a lot of fidgeting with the GPS, surprise U-turns and texting while driving. Oh yeah... there was jazz too.

Charles was ready to jump out of the car at highway speed by the time we got to the airport for our return trip. Charles said to my mother, "There we were about to die and the last thing I was going to hear was jazz. I was in the back seat of the car listening to the soundtrack of my death. I need to go out on some rock and roll."

We survived.

I told his partner that I preferred it when he drove because, "He makes me flinch. When a passenger flinches while I'm driving I want to punch them in the face so I prefer to sit in the back seat." That was a diplomatic way of saying I was terrified for my life and the life of my husband.

When he asked if there was anything we wanted to do, we said we wanted to go on a tour of the city, which was scheduled for the following day. I said I would like to go to the Getty museum. He told me that LACMA was better but sure we could go to the Getty.

The Getty is amazing. It's a beautiful building on a beautiful hillside overlooking LA. It was really incredible. I loved everything about it. So that apparently meant we wanted to go to all the other museums in LA. He was right. LACMA was a better museum but by the end we were so done with museums. We went to two more the next day. We went to a total of five. The fifth one was a demand that I made. And oh boy was he a grouch about it but he drove me to the building and waited while I went to the Hello Kitty exhibit at the Japanese American Museum of Art.

I told him since he didn't want to be there I'd pay for his admission. Admission was $20 and he said, "I don't want you to spend $20 on me for this crap." He and his friend waited for us outside.

Look, before you judge me, when I was a little girl I loved Hello Kitty. She's 40 and I'm 39. She was a fixture of my childhood. OF COURSE I WOULD WANT TO GO. I figured if I'm going to walk through the Museum of Contemporary Art, where a drain, installed in the wall is considered art, then I'm going to the Hello Kitty exhibit. And I went. I made a quick pass through it because Charles and I were the only adults who didn't have children. I saw some cool things. Charles bought me a little bag with a picture of Hello Kitty on it and we went to the airport. My trip was complete.

My brother was a very gracious host. His dogs were hilarious. His partner was kind to us. They took us out, showed us their version of a good time and we enjoyed ourselves.  He was also a little moody and awkward at times. But then again no one is perfect.

One thing I learned is our ideas of culture are vastly different. They like Broadway musicals and museums. They like architecture and appreciate nice houses. They like fancy restaurants and mainstream culture. That's great. We enjoyed all those things.

We like street art and night clubs with $5 cover to see three really obscure bands that no one will ever hear of. I spent all my cash one night on three cds from a band that amazed me. Not all of it is good but that's what we like. It's fun to talk to the artists after they've performed while they sell their merchandise. I love to be able to tell them that I love their music and I have their albums. I love having these little secrets on my iPod that no one may hear. I'll expose my friends if I can, but I don't want to make copies of the CDs when the artists deserve that money too.

We told them this is what we do and they took us to see Pippin. Pippin was amazing. The plot was lacking but it was visually spectacular. Getting to talk to Sarah Jaffe after one of her shows meant more to me though.

All in all it was a pretty good trip. I think it ended on a good note with my brother. I think he was ready to get rid of us. But we were ready to go home so that's only fair.

I didn't realize how bad the jazz experience was for Charles. By the time we were at the airport he was a total grouch. He's only acted that way once before and it was because his cell phone wasn't working during a medical crisis with his mother. I thought he was going to take a hammer to it. I think if he had a hammer he would have taken it to my brother's stereo.

Luckily for all of us we survived with only mild stress. We got along with each other the entire time. While I'm pretty sure my brother isn't interested in my day-to-day activities, we did create a decent foundation to develop a relationship going forward. That's what I wanted and I'm happy to say I got it..

Interstellar

It only got 74% of critics approval on Rotten Tomatoes. Some of their reviews were pretty harsh. The only question I have is: DID WE SEE THE SAME MOVIE?! It was AWESOME. It was little-kid awesome! Remember how you felt when you saw Star Wars? It made me feel the same way as a I did when I was a little girl and we defeated the death star.

We saw it on Friday night. It was so good that we saw it again on Saturday. I paid for us to see the IMAX each time. It was worth the cost of admission both times. It was worth the $20 snacks. It was worth the three hours and near-bursting bladder.

I told the guy at the taco stand this morning, "Take off work early and go see it today." He laughed me off but I was totally serious. If it hadn't been a Saturday I would have totally made arrangements with my boss to make up the work so I could see it the second time.

The science is a little loose. It requires you to let go and let your imagination believe it's true. That's where the science meets the fiction. If you can let it go and let the story happen and see it for the beautiful masterpiece it is I guarantee you'll enjoy it.

Christopher and Jonathan Nolan have incredible minds. For two people to come up with such an intense and well developed story that can be told in 3 hours makes me happy and hopeful for future movies from them. Granted there are parts that were obviously abbreviated for time. (If I list them I'll have to spoil the movie which I refuse to do.)

Go see it. Go see it twice. Let your imagination go. Get your geek on and stimulate your brain. I promise you won't regret it.

...To the Movies

I've seen a couple of  movies the past few weeks that deserve to be mentioned. I didn't necessarily like them all but you need to know that too.

The Man Most Wanted

This was Phillip Seymour Hoffman's last movie. It saddens me to think that such talent was wasted on drug addiction. I feel similarly about Heath Ledger and Amy Winehouse. Their talent was unmatched and they fell victim to their vices.

It's hard to make a spy movie that captivates you for 2 hours. There simply isn't much action when much of the activity is sitting and waiting for someone to do something. This movie had a compelling plot but I was bored. The ending tied everything together nicely so I'd give it 3 out of 5 stars. I would recommend that you wait until it comes out on Netflix or DVD.

Boyhood

This movie was excellent. Richard Linklater family as they grow for 12 years. It centers around a boy and his experiences with his family. His mother is played by Patricia Arquette and his father is played by Ethan Hawke. Both are brilliant. Richard Linklater demonstrated how talented he is as a director and it pleased me to watch the movie.

My only complaint is that it was a 3 hour movie that seemed to go on forever. Don't order a large soda. You will regret it. My husband has stated I am part camel so I was able to go for the whole three hours but he barely made it.

Because the end took so long to come I will only give it 4 out of 5 stars. It was brilliant and if you have some patience and a relatively strong bladder it's worth the price of admission.

Nymph()maniac 

The only reason I watched this movie is because it is directed by Lars Von Trier. He also directed Melancholia which was incredible.

It didn't get very good reviews. I don't think the reviewers were prepared for the subject.

Charlotte Gainsbourg plays the adult version of the woman, "Joe", while Stacy Martin plays the younger version of the woman. Charlotte Gainsbourg is brilliant as the adult version of Joe. Stacy Martin who carries the movie is a proficient actress. My favorite character was played by Uma Thurman. She played the wife of a man who left to be with Joe. Joe was trying to get rid of him when she said she loved him and he returned with a suitcase in hand. The scene has humor and is also very dramatic. I think that scene alone could stand to make the movie.

I saw there is a second movie and I hesitate to watch it because the first covered all I needed to see about the subject. Don't watch this movie if you are shocked or bothered by gratuitous sex. It is filled with it. It is the meaningless sex of an addict.

I would give this movie 4 out of 5 stars because it captivated me for the entire film. Some say it's a failed attempt to demonstrate female empowerment. I believe it is about addiction. Addiction has always fascinated me so I was not bothered by the subject matter. I was able to see how she was trying to fill a vacancy in her spirit with sex. I have witnessed friends do it with drugs and alcohol. Some come out of it and some fall victim. I don't think the other reviewers saw it that way.

5 month check up

We've been married for 5 months now and the honeymoon is still going strong. We're still happy every day and madly in love. I still grin like a school girl every time he texts me or calls me. I wait for him to come home every evening. If I had a tail I'd wag it when he walks through the door.

When you get married, you marry the family. I love his family. They are all caring and loving people with good hearts. We don't agree on everything but who does? His youngest brother and I adore each other. He claims I'm everything he's ever wanted in a sister and that alone makes me happy to have joined forces with the Woods.

When he married me he moved in with me and my mother. So he has the joy and privilege to live with his mother-in-law. She too has the opposite privilege to live with her son-in-law.

After I divorced my ex-husband she told me she would no longer become involved with any of the men I claimed to be in a relationship with. When I married my ex-husband she fell in love with him too because he treated her like a mother-in-law always hopes to be treated but rarely is. She told him he was like the son she'd never had. He cried because he never felt that his mother loved him as much as mine did. 

She tried to maintain a relationship with him after we divorced. In the end though he fell apart. He hurt her. He broke her heart and after that she swore off on any future partner arrangement I might have.

Slowly Charles is cracking through that wall she built. He's taking baby steps. He gives her space and lets her come to him, kind of like a skittish cat. I don't know if he sees it this way but that's what I've observed. 

He checked on her one morning before leaving to ride his bike while I was committed to some task by saying, "I'm just checking to make sure you aren't dead." That cracked her up and ever since she's gradually becoming more involved with our day-to-day activities. If we're in the kitchen she'll come and talk to us. If we're a the convenience store he'll buy her a bag of Cheetos, her current guilty pleasure. They're getting a cute little relationship going.

A friend of mine was asking how the marriage was going and we told her it was going swimmingly. Then, "More importantly, how are things with your mother?" We replied with a casual shrug that things were fine. There were no issues. She was visibly shocked that a mother and son-in-law living arrangement could work.

I think the reason it works is Mom and I are both extroverts. We are both outspoken, sassy, opinionated and have very little shame. Charles is an introvert. He's just so laid back and easy to get along with. Everyone who meets him really likes him. He's kind of your "every-man". He has a few close friends and a lot of close acquaintances.

After my ex-husband I realized I needed someone who could support my need to be around people. Charles can incorporate himself into the fold very easily and he's also comfortable sitting back and watching the crowd. It's refreshing to be around someone who is so at ease with himself and his environment. What we have between us is as close to perfect as I'll ever find. I joke that I couldn't have ordered a better man out of a catalog. I'm not really joking though. He's the best man I've ever known and everyday I am happier than I was the day before that I am lucky enough to love him and be loved by him.

Psych fest

So early Wednesday morning I get up in the dark and stub my toe on my cat's scratching pad. It hurt like a mother fucker but I was on a mission so I limped back to bed and went back to sleep. I ended up working from home that day so I didn't put a lot of pressure on it. I went to work the next day and thought a lot differently.

I went to the doctor because my boss said, "Toes aren't supposed to be that color." The xrays revealed I have a broken toe. I'm in a boot until at least next Tuesday when I see the podiatrist.

My husband has been to Austin Psych Fest for at least the past 3 years. This year he is going to spend the entire weekend at the festival. I decided I wanted to go to the concert with him for a little while. I would arrive at my time and leave at my time. That way I had limited potential of turning into a whiny bitch. If I felt like it was time to go home then I'd go home and he could stay. Freedom.

It's three stages in an open field. I'm in an orthopedic boot. I'm going to that music festival. I will be strong and limit my whining. I will be smart and take a chair. I'll get to spend some quality time with my husband in his happy place. So hell yeah, I'm going to psych fest.

Oh and there are some really cool bands. Check it out:

The Horrors : Do you remember

Temples : Colours to Life